Audio Update Transcript

(Sissy music begins playing) So let's talk about you, R. Kelly.

What's up, R.? Are you sad? Are you having a . . . bad day. Well, cheer up buddy. It's time to turn things around. I know you've done some things you regret. We all have. I know you peed on that girl and then had dirty, illegal sex with her, and I know they found more dirty, dirty awful pictures of underage women in your home.

But C'mon R., things aren't so bad. If you're found guilty, the sentence is only about ten to fifteen years. You can still release a single when you're 50. George Michael did, and he likes the kinky stuff just like you.

C'mon R. Remember that song you did? That one I can't quite remember the name of, but was on the radio? Yeah, that was a good song. If I ever have an underage girl in my home, and I'm feelin' in the mood for a little peein' action, your song will be the first one I put on the CD player.

And remember how you tried to marry Alliyah, but she was 15, so she was too young to get married to you? Yeah, well she's dead, so you don't have to worry about that anymore. Your troubles are over, unlike the case of syphillus you gave to that teenage pee woman of yours.

Don't worry, though, R. Men in prison get sex too. And from what I've heard, it's damn kinky. Maybe not in the way you're used to, but hey, kinky is kinky, right?

Hang in there, R. Hang in there. (Music stops playing)

Okay seriously, a few years back, in college, I had this friend named Sandy, and she went on a trip to Chicago. When she got back, she told everyone that she had met R. Kelly there, and hung out with him. No joke. No joke. We, of course, all called her a liar and made fun of her.

But seriously, now I can't help but wonder if R. Kelly has been peeing on my friends. I mean, I suppose if Sandy was into that sort of thing, that would be fine, but it's kind of shocking to think about, y'know?

That's an honest-to-God true story, too. She had pictures of this person she claimed was R. Kelly, and if I had them, I would post them on this site. But I don't.

Anyway, that wraps up this short edition of Audio Update. I have to get ready for the newspaper convention tomorrow, so I can collect some awards and get some newspaper booty. Or not. Probably not. I am going to trash my hotel room, though.

See ya next week, I wish you all sweet dreams of golden showers. HA HA HA HA . . . (repeated laughing in background)

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