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Audio Update TranscriptNovember 12, 2002
(Singing) I know what you want. I know what you need. 'Cause I'm an idiot, and I don't know how to read. That's why it's an audio update, baby. (End singing) Okay, I don't know how to fade out music, so I just had to cut it off. But hey, let's just get on to the news. Pardon me, where is the little boys' room? The US Roman Catholic Bishops will be meeting this week, and it's expected that the meeting will be dominated by sexual abuse. Oh, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. The meeting will be dominated by the sexual abuse crisis. My mistake. Really, though, I think it could go either way. Let's move on to the entertainment news, shall we? Look what I wrote before I shot myself Kurt Cobain's diaries have been released to the public, but I can't report on it, because the book is available only in hardcover, which costs thirty freakin' dollars! The cover of the book is very thick and the amount of pages are very thin, and upon looking inside, it was found that all the text was in Cobain's original handwriting, which is near impossible to read. So if you see Courtney Love or Dave Grohl anytime soon, make sure to donkey punch them. We'd like to take this quick and short break to remind you that this Ramblings Audio Update is sponsored by . . . uh . . . whatever the hell I'm drinking . . . uh, Summit Extra Pale Ale. 'Tis a fine ale. 'Tis a fine ale indeed. A little bit nutty. A little bit nutty, even. But now, back to the news again. More entertainment for ya. Hip hop, hippity dee, I can't believe somebody shot me. Run DMC's DJ, Jam Master Jay, was killed in his recording studio last week. The Associated Press ran a picture the next day, showing some of his faithful friends pouring 40's of malt liquor on the ground for their homie. The ancient ghetto ritual, which hasn't been done since the movie, "Boys in the Hood", was estimated to have knocked back America's respect for the hip hop community by almost 10 years. Grand theft this, motha(bleep)! Rockstar, the maker of brash video games such as Grand Theft Auto and Max Payne, has released "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City", where not only do players get to drive around slaughtering innocent people, but they get to do it Miami Vice style, in a 1980s world of drugs and corruption. Conservatives are once again giving harsh criticism to the game, for fear that the simulated violence will desensitize citizens to real violence. In a related story, I'm pissed off, because I sold my Playstation 2 to Pawn America last year and now I can't play the new Grand Theft Auto game. In an angry rage, I spent all of last night killing hookers and beating up old ladies. Sorry. Well, that's all for this edition of Ramblings Audio Update. I'm your anchorwhore, Paul Ryan. See you next week. |
