Audio Update Transcript

November 21, 2002

Hello, and welcome to another fine addition of Audio Update, where I tell you the fake news, and you poop it out to your friends as truth. No fancy music or characters this week. Just the news, everyone, so let's get to it. Here we go.

Problems in bed, and not the limp weiner kind

It was reported recently that people age 50 or older are more likely to develop sleeping problems. Such problems are caused by three main things:

1. Stress.
2. The fact that when you're old you become fatter than all hell, and
3. Also the thought that right at this moment, rapper R. Kelly may be urinating on their teenage daughter.

In a related story, I have insomnia because I spend all night updating a webpage that nobody comes to. Where's my NyQuil? Who's the bitch who stole my Nyquil? Ah cripes, never mind.

Extra! Extra! Ugliest man in world rips on Senator Coleman! Read all about it!

Minnesota Public Radio host Garrison Keillor is taking heat for his literary attacks on Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman. Coleman had no comment on Keillor's Salon.com articles, but MPR was quick to distance itself from Keillor's remarks, saying "Although Mr. Keillor produces and hosts a radio show for Minnesota Public Radio, his political opinions are his own." This move by MPR is one of many examples of why MPR continues to be the most boring thing you could ever listen to.

In a related story, I think Norm Coleman is a closeted bedwetter. Tune in next week for film footage.

George, George, George of the jungle, strong as he can be. George, George, George of the jungle, look out for that . . . airplane.

Viracon, a company that makes blast-resistant glass, has won an award for the windows it installed in the Pentagon. 'Cause, apparently, they'll come in handy when a plane crashes through your office.

Too soon? Yeah. Yeah, too soon. I'm sorry.

Mom! Come quick! The short bus kids are fighting!

Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle is getting death threats against him and his family, and he says that the big, fat, huge, overweight, lard-laden, potbellied, portly, obese, lumpish, swollen, tubby, unwieldy, fatty-fat-fat mouth of conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh is at fault. Limbaugh said the claim was merely a plot by the Democrats to counter the influence of his show. Daschle then responded by calling Limbaugh a "deaf retard". Oh! Oops, I'm sorry, that wasn't Daschle. That was me who called Limbaugh that. My apologies.

I'm Paul Ryan, and that's all for this edition of Audio Update. Good day, and a pleasant Kwanza to all.

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