Audio Update Transcript

December 5, 2002

Good morning, afternoon and evening. I'm Paul Ryan, and the funk stops here because it's time for the news. News is good, news is important, news is . . . not exactly what I do here. But we'll have a few laughs.

LET'S GET NAUGHTY WITH AN IRAQI BOMB PARTY

Iraq announced this week that they don't have any nuclear weapons. In response, President Bush said action may be taken if Iraq does not admit by Sunday that they do, in fact, have nuclear weapons.

So let me get this straight. Inspectors haven't found any nuclear weapons so far. Bush is impatient, and wants to find nuclear weapons in Iraq so we can bomb them. And if Iraq doesn't have any nuclear weapons, Bush wants them to go find some by Sunday, so we can have an appropriate reason to bomb them. If Iraq isn't able to get nuclear weapons by Sunday, Bush will get mad at them for not having any, and bomb them anyway.

Now, the only solution I could think up for Iraq, if they don't have nuclear weapons, is to lie and say they do have nuclear weapons, to avoid being bombed for not having them. But then again, if they do that, we'll bomb them for having nuclear weapons; the nuclear weapons that they don't have. So somehow in the confusion of all this, President Bush has created a perfect situation where he gets to bomb Iraq no matter what.

HOW IN SAM HELL DID AMERICA EVER GET LABELED AS THE GOOD GUYS?!?

Feel free to go to our transcript page, to print that one out and put it on your wall.

But hey, I've got another plan. if Iraq claims they have nuclear weapons, then quickly comes back and says "Ha ha, just kidding", then technically they'll be hitting the loophole, and admitting they have nuclear weapons while showing that they don't really have them.

Yeah. Kinda glad I don't live in Iraq right now. Moving on . . .

SORRY BUZZ, YOU AIN'T COMIN' HOME

An overabundance of clouds have kept the NASA space shuttle Endeavour from returning to earth this week, proving once again that astronauts are nothing but limp-wristed little sissies.

Hey, who are you? You're from NASA? You're in my apartment. How'd you get in my-

AAAH! MY EYE! HE STABBED ME IN MY EYE! MY GOOD EYE! Now I'll never be a bus driver . . . or a lens specialist . . .

That's all for this week, folks. I was going to do another joke about Michael Jackson, but instead I'm going to make the Audio Update download a little quicker for everyone by having you just think about Jackson's hideous monkey face, which will cause you to laugh. You're welcome. Have a good week.

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