Audio Update Transcript

Actually, I'm Paul Ryan, and this is Audio Update. But it's not too far of a stretch from the Greatest Generation books, because the things you are about to hear are both entertaining and highly educational. So let's get to it.

Harsh storms on the West Coast have caused 13 deaths, and over two million people are without power this week. There's still more bad weather on the way, and with it comes an increased danger of mudslides. In an equally frightening development in the Midwest, the chance of mudslides in my apartment is dangerously low, because I'm all out of Kahlua.

Wasn't that educational? I thought so.

A Florida woman has finished college at the ripe age of 76. Bernice Strickland began classes at Florida State University in 1946 and finished Tuesday. FSU officials scoffed at Strickland's accomplishment, saying, "Who cares? Most of the drunken dope fiends who go to this school take longer than her to graduate."

Britney Spears, the teen pop-star whose boob size changes every week, has been dropped by Pepsi. Spears has been dropped by a lot of people lately, including Justin Timberlake, the movie-going public, the book-reading public (she and her mom published a book), and the mush-minded people who actually bought her other albums. The only category Spears seems to still have a hold on is the chronic masturbation public.

At this time, I, Paul Ryan, would like to remind Miss Spears that:

1. I'm single
2. I don't live with my parents
3. I have a steady job
4. I have my very own website. Not many people have that.
5. I don't mind if a girl's bra size goes from an a-cup to a c-cup in a matter of days. Really, Britney, next time you're on the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, you can stuff your bra with even more tissue and dirty socks than you did last time. It doesn't matter to me. I will love your breasts no matter what. Or, I mean I'll . . . I'll love you no matter what. That's what I meant to say. Really.

Well, I'm afraid Audio Update is coming to a close for this week. We had some fun, didn't we? But most of all, we all learned something. In fact, we learned many things. If learning was sex, we'd be the porn stars of the American educational system.

And that's a good thing to be. See ya next week.

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