Audio Update Transcript

January 9, 2003

Hi. Audio Update is back. Not that you cared. Jerk. But hey, let's get on to the news.

Michael Crichton's book was never like this

It's being reported that Congolese troops - is that the way you say it? Con-go-lese? (Other voice whispering: "Nobody cares") - well, what the hell.

it's being reported that Congolese troops have been killing and eating Pygmies, shorter people who live in tribes, in the Congo region. The troops allegedly hired the Pygmies to hunt food for them, and then killed and ate them if they returned empty-handed. The U.N. is looking into the matter, but said there's not much they can do, since Star Jones, co-host for ABC's "The View", treats her interns in roughly the same way.

When I said the city was one of peace, I meant it was a piece of crap

Leaders in Iraq are denouncing Western aggression, saying the United States and England would like to destroy Baghdad, or "the city of peace" as they call it, like they did in 1991. Here is a quote on the subject from a few high-ranking Iraqi officials.

(Random Iraq audio clip plays, in original language)

I hope that clears things up for everyone.

Apple releases iLife software, but is it really "iPorn" software?

Apple Computers released a new bundle of products and upgrades on Tuesday, including bigger and better iMovie, iDVD, and iPhoto software, most of it for free. Improvements to iPhoto will allow Americans even more professional ways to take photographs of their genetalia, while iMovie and iDVD improvements will make for even more professional-looking homemade pornographic movies. The iTunes program has not been altered, and, unfortunately, still has little to no value in the area of do-it-yourself smut.

(Sounds of MSN Messenger PMing)

Ugh, would you stop messaging me? God, I hate this stupid MSN Messenger. God!

Can't get a job? Well, at least you can still get Bush

President Bush signed legislation Wednesday, increasing unemployment benefits for 2.5 million people. When asked why such a murderous, heartless bastard like him would do such a thing, Bush replied, "I was a drunken loser until I was 35, so I'm kinda big on unemployment."

Audio Update is over,
I hope we had some fun,
if you didn't like it,
I'll shoot you with a gun.

Have a good night/afternoon/morning/lunch/dinner/time for tea!/evening. I'll see ya next week (I swear, really), same time, same place, same . . . other thing . . . goodbye.

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