Audio Update Transcript

January 16, 2003

Over the years (months), shut up, over the months, people have asked me why Audio Update has no theme song. Well, here's your answer:

(singing) THEME SONGS ARE LAME!

Thank you. I am like Rick James, after he had his stroke. But let's get on to the news.

Computer companies to crack down on music piracy. No, really! For sure this time! They swear!

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has reached a deal with major software companies regarding Internet music piracy. The RIAA has agreed to stop making anti-piracy CDs, as long as software manufacterers agree to do more to stop music piracy. Details on what manufacturers would do were not released.

Myself, I'll be staying with the old agreement, where the RIAA creates crappy and overpriced albums, and I steal them online with no repercussions.

Heading to church? Why not buy some porn?

An adult video store owner in Stewartville, Minn. is getting heat from locals, after he put up ads that are viewable on the way to, and back, from local church services in the small town. On the way to the church, the sign reads, "And God said go out into the world and have great sex. God's gift to women." On the way back from church, the sign says, "No need to mail order. Gay videos in stock. Clergy discount."

In a related story, actor Eddie Murphy has been attending church quite frequently in Stewartville.

(Sigh). The real story was funnier than my joke. I hate it when that happens.

Speaking of pornography . . . here's Pete Townsend!

Pete Townsend, former lead-guitarist of "The Who", was allegedly caught with alleged child pornography on his alleged computer this week. Allegedly.

I guess The Kids really Are Alright. Aren't they, Pete?

Ha! "The Kids are Alright". That's a . . . song by "The Who". Ha! Yeah.

Satan releases recipe for hell. Mortals now able to create their own versions.

Microsoft, in a move to keep governments from the U.S., Japan, and other countries as customers, has agreed to let them view the source code for Windows. The source code of an operating system is the key to how the system is made. Viewing it will allow governments to create programs for their own use that will run on PCs.

When asked about the announcement, Bill Gates said, "Yes, thanks to Microsoft, governments can now produce bug-infested, hacker-prone systems of their own. And also: Yahoo Chat."

That's all for this week. Be sure to check us out next week, for my exclusive interview special with Gary Busey and Nick Nolte.

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