Audio Update Transcript

According to a recent study by the Census Bureau, which I will explain only briefly because I was too lazy to actually read the article, hispanics have become America's largest minority group.

So what does this piece of information mean to you? Um, nothing really. Unless you're a skinhead or David Duke or something. But for the rest of us, the information is pretty dull. Who cares, census bureau? Nobody cares. No one cares about what you do. Everyone just smiles and nods their heads. What's that? There's more people in America now than there was before? That's super. We're all proud of you. Now go away.

I mean JESUS. Stupid boring census.

Jose Luis Betancourt, a Texas resident who won $7.5 million dollars in the lottery just before Christmas, has been charged with possession and conspiracy to distribute cocaine. Betancourt had 1.63 kilograms of cocaine hidden in the dishwasher and pantry of his apartment. For those of you not good with math, that's roughly three and a half pounds of cocaine. U.S. Customs says they're going to do what their fathers did to them in their younger days. They're going to lock Betancourt in a closet, and make him snort every last ounce of it, to teach him a lesson. I don't think it'll work, though. Didn't work on John Belushi. Ahem!

A study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association says larger food portions in super-sized meals makes Americans fatter, to which I say . . . NO SHIT ASSHOLES!

I'm sorry. There's a lot of yelling in today's audio update. I'm just in that type of mood.

Hey, want a post office of your very own? Do you still want it if it's in Iowa? Me neither. The town of Oskaloosa, Iowa has put their city-owned post office for sale on E-bay. While E-bay may have policies against selling your family or your everlasting soul on their website, apparently there's no rules against selling things that nobody would ever want.

Hey, for those still interested, how about if the minimum bid you can place on the post office is $300,000? And what if there's a clause in the sale that says you have to let the post office use the building for the next 30 years? Yeah. How about if I start a business selling doughnuts, where after you buy one, you have to promise not to eat it. Jerks.

Anyway, that's it for this week. Be sure to tune in next Thursday, when . . . oh man! They just released something about R. Kelly being charged with more dirty things. Man, why didn't they come out with this an hour ago? It would have been gold, I tell you! I'll say it again: the Internet just isn't fast enough. See you next week.

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