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This tribute was originally printed in the December 5, 2001 issue of the Promethean; Paul's final issue as Editor in Chief. News Editor  Paul enjoys a donut as an Orientation Group Leader (OGL) in 1998. Paul was an OGL for four years and in 2001 enjoyed the distinction of being the "granddaddy" of all the OGL's. Paul can still be found eating donuts of all varieties quite often at the House of Donuts in Duluth.Graduation at the University of Wisconsin-Superior for fall semester graduates is fast approaching, and our fair Promethean staff is gearing up to lose our editor-in-chief, Mr. Paul Christopher Ryan, to the ranks of the real world. I, the humble news editor of the Promethean, am a bit saddened by the loss of Paul. Paul has worked hard to provide the busy citizens of UWS news about their campus. Paul has also worked hard in other venues on campus, be it the theater department or the student development department. But the big conundrum I am in is: "What can I get Paul for graduation?" Graduation from college is a memorable event. A gift is in order. But what? I wracked my brains for many an hour before it hit me. A real, honest, genuine "lightbulb over the head" idea. At the final Promethean brainstorming meeting, an idea was tossed around to do a goodbye tribute to Paul. A tribute! How perfect! A roast would be appropriate for the reigning "poo boy" of the Promethean. By reveling in the stories of his past four and half years here, Paul would begin to see how much he did on and for the campus. Plus, I could embarass him to the point of no return. Excellent. So I put on my reporter's cap, donned my notebook, and set out to discover the truth behind Paul Ryan. I was on the lookout for memories, well wishes and a way to say goodbye to my friend. The following is the account of my plain weird findings:
The first step in roasting anyone properly is seeking people to help with the roasting. People from Paul's past and present were a must, I decided. One of the first people who came to mind was former editor-in-chief of the Promethean, Aaron J. Brown. Aaron would surely help me out, right? Indeed he did. Aaron had the following to say: "My favorite Paul Ryan story is the time he used the term 'pleasured himself' in a front page story regarding the tawdry controversy over a former Communicating Arts professor. I also will never forget his enthusiasm over our "Around Town" edition cover shot last year. He wanted four Promethean staffers to replicate the cover of the Beatles' Abbey Road album on a Superior street. We learned many things that day. It is cold in Superior and often wet, which is why the Beatles never came here. Also, the Beatles were able to have traffic stopped for them. We did not. Beatles wardrobe is hard to find in Duluth. Also, student senate presidents do not make good substitute photographers. Paul's unfettered glee as we dodged cars on Tower will probably stick in my mind for a long time." How perfect! Aaron's words of wisdom to Paul are as follows: "Now, get a real job, you punk."
Thanksgiving break put a crimp in my roasting plans, but the turkey I ate must have given me brain fuel, because over break I came up with more people I could ask to roast Paul. I knew that Paul had been an Orientation Group Leader (OGL) for the past four years. Being an OGL myself the past year, I knew that craziness and silliness ensues on this campus the week of orientation for new freshmen. So I searched for team leaders Kaye Riske and Tammy Fanning to help me in my roast of Paul. Here are their wishes to and memories about Paul.
-(In reaction to something Paul Ryan does): Was that supposed to make me laugh or should I be puking now? -Boomer. Enough said. -Will this kid ever make up his mind on his minor? First he's minoring in Mass Communications, then it's Garbage Science, and then it's Monkey Caretaking. Who at UWS teaches these classes anyway?"
-After what happened last year, we're surprised he's still coming back for more. -He's the biggest freak we know, but we used that to our advantage. He was our "Freak 'em out" tactic, and if our incoming new students could handle a few hours with Paul, then we knew they could handle anything. We'll have to work hard to find something equally as scary to use in years to come. -We knew there had to be an excuse for hiring him four years in a row as an OGL. The only reasonable explanation is that he must have hypnotized us. As we recall during OGL training, we found ourselves saying, "Yes, Master Paul," and we weren't quite sure why. Still, to this day, that phrase slips out every once in a while. -We figured that anyone that is such a big fan of the Backstreet Boys ought to be pretty clean cut. Boy, were we wrong about that one! -He has a history of abuse with a blow-up baseball bat. After he was institutionalized, the doctor said to keep everything and everyone away from him. So we thought we'd try him out on the new students.
"I was delighted to have beaten Paul in last year's "Who's hot?" contest. I can only say that not having won this year, the contest must have been rigged. Anyway, tell Paul to keep his mind open, his laptop warm and his fingers flexed as he goes on to fame and fortune as a professional journalist. All the best to Paul!"
On he Wednesday after break we had our weekly Promethean staff meeting. I figured who better to roast Paul than his own staff? It's a no-brainer. So, following our meeting, the following memories and wishes were shared:
Becky Bryant, future editor-in-chief of the Promethean: "This particular day he was more comforting than most - he usually just cracks funny lines, makes a silly face or says something like 'whatcha doin' under there?' No, I had the pleasure of seeing Paul Ryan for the first time, and the only time, offer me a piece of lettuce. It wasn't like, 'Hey, eat this piece of lettuce, you silly girl.' It was a full-fledged, kneeling on his knees, asking in a concerned, gentle voice, 'Would you like a piece of lettuce?'"
Darin Gossett, outdoors editor of the Promethean: "Paul then told me the story about a keg party on Wisconsin Point that was broken up, leaving him and his friends with a wealth of alcohol. After properly disposing the beer and somehow making it back to campus, Paul decided his contacts needed some lubrication. I guess he went on a drunken door-to-door search through the doors for saline solution with the contacts in hand. After walking out of the dorms, a gust of wind blew the contacts out of his hand, never to be found. "Somehow he got home and even woke up to come in and get the issue done. I wish him well and I know that the ability to still work with a hangover will take him far in life."
Leif Nelson, general manager of the Promethean: "Paul is like a younger version of Dave Barry, if Dave Barry dropped acid. Paul's poetic prose pierces your mind with the introspective caliber of a 12-year-old girl's diary. He is also a leader, patient and effective. And Paul Ryan is a weirdo, and fortunately for him, his weirdness and levity are assets that will take him places in life (hey, Duluth is technically a 'place,' right?) and he will be missed by his readers and staff."
Steve Wyeth, opinions editor of the Promethean: "It's too bad Paul has to leave us, but that is the way things go, I suppose. I wish you luck, Paul, and congratulations on your impending graduation. Oh, and remember: when you are living on the streets after graduation, for crying out loud, don't light the fire inside your box!"
Plodding through the now yellowing snow from the blizzard was difficult and nauseating, but I did stumble upon Dan L. Stock, who was searching for more old-school Nintendo games in his mailbox. Dan said the following: "Paul memories. Okay. Paul getting shoved to the floor by Jess Warpula in 'Present Tense.' The Big Mouth Billy Bass fiasco. Oh, yeah, and 'He may not have any line, but he's got a big spear.' Words of wisdom? D.F.U." Okay, so maybe it wasn't the longest memory. But it was a memory. My search continued with further fruitful results, as a message from Janelle Erickson appeared in my email. Janelle had the following to say: "Two years ago when I first saw Paul I thought to myself, 'Damn, that guy looks like a Ken doll.' And I thought he was kind of mean! Later someone told me that Paul and I are one and the same, so I figured he can't be that bad. In the past two years I have gotten to know Paul a little better, and he really isn't 'that' bad! My best memory of Paul was when he called my cell phone and left me a message starting out with 'Hi, Janelle. This is the man you have been waiting for all of your life . . ' I had a million thoughts running through my head, like, 'There is a God, and He has sent my dream man to me. And he even has a sexy voice.' Then I heard, 'It's Paul.' My heart sank, and I thought, 'if Paul is my dream man, my life is over. And why did God give Paul a sexy voice?' "Paul, I wish you nothing but success for your future! You are a really great person (and editor . . . we'll discuss the column thing some other time), and if journalism doesn't work out, you can always work on a phone-sex line! Best wishes to you!"
As I checked my e-mail on this day, I found that someone had sent a "letter to the editor" to me. After suffering a mild heart palpitation (because almost no one sends letters to the editor) I saw that this "letter to the editor" was from former student senate president Chris Voltzke. "Dear Paul: Now that it is time for you to leave this wonderful university, I have to do what you have been asking for a few years, reply to your most inspirational 'Ramblings' articles. There were days in which I would pick up the Promethean and wonder to myself, 'What will today's paper have inside that will inspire me to stay here at UWS?' I've never been able to answer that question until today, when it finally became apparent that I aided in your successes as a journalist over the past few years. The cameo appearances that were made by the Chancellor could never be topped by the insightful, curious questions that were similar to the last; if I was chasing freshmen girls, making babies or even working for the Promethean during my final year at UWS. However, I do really think that wherever you may end up after you graduate in December, you will continue to succeed at such inspirational questions. In fact, I will help assist you in your future column in a local paper by suggesting what the name of your column should be: 'Paul Ryan: proof of why you shouldn't drink Lysol during pregnancy', or 'Paul Ryan's column will help fight gingivitis.' However, I do feel bad for not doing more to get a nudist dorm on campus, but you know well that the RSC is the future home for that.
Thanks for the "Ramblings" Paul,
After bumping into April Solberg, I found that Paul was involved in even more hilarious shenanigans. April had the following to say: "During the summer of '99, I worked on summer staff and as an RA in Crownhart Hall. Two of the most interesting residents that summer was Paul and his friend Tom. It wasn't too far into my new job that many strange things started happening around the building. Signs were suddenly put up that said, 'Bathroom out of order. Sorry for the inconvenience, Staff.' I even believed it for a while, though no one knew why it would be closed. I had no proof as to whom the culprits were, but there was just something about Paul's oh-so-innocent face that made me suspicious. When we found a bathtub full of water and minnows one day, one person came to mind: Paul Ryan! Curse you! But revenge was sweet. Paul checked out a VCR from the front desk one day while my friend and I were working. The VCR was built into a black, thick plastic case that you just hook up to the television. Seems easy enough, doesn't it? Apparently not for Paul. He came back within 15 minutes and said, 'I'm having problems with the VCR. I can't seem to get it out of the case.' Paul, I wonder if my laughter still haunts you at night or whenever you rent a movie. Does your face still turn that same shade of red when you attempt to program the VCR clock? "Good luck with your future, Magnum P.R. I wish you a cookie and a certificate and luck with electrical appliances."
So, deadline is approaching, and I'm about to have a mental breakdown, but I managed to collect a memory from Erin Anderson to Paul. "To Paul: Now the world will never know about the swastikas on the ceiling vents in the Fine Arts building or about the furniture in little-known communist drinking establishments. Thanks for the years of brainwashing, comrade Paul."
Well, I have come to the end of my search into the life and times of Paul Ryan. I would like to now add my own message, because, well, "it's my story and I'll write if I want to!" (My deepest apologies for the cheap song cliché, but it is deadline day.)
Kate Houlihan, future managing editor of the Promethean: Top Ten Sayings I have Uttered to Paul along with "my look":
1. "Paul, I'm tired of giving you 'the look.' My face is going to permanently be 'the look.' But you know you're going to miss it. You'll come crawling back for more, and you know it."
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