That's right ladies, the contest of your and every woman's lifetime is here! Apply now to date Frank Haataja. Frank is from Poland and doesn't speak English. He also doesn't have a green card. Ladies, help this incredibly good-looking man out! Here's some interesting facts about Frank, with the benefits of each listed directly below:
Frank can't speak English at all.
You don't have to listen to him talk about Poland all the damn time.
Unlike most Polish citizens, Frank does not smell like rotting feces.
Your friends will never complain about an odor that's permanently absorbed into your living room furniture.
Frank comes complete with a special immigrant gift set.
There's no added costs to Frank with the help of this gift set. It includes: a bar of soap for washing, toilet paper for wiping, a bag of wheat for him to eat, a leash to tie him up in the backyard, and a Flintstones Talking Phone for him to play with.
Frank will sleep anywhere, even outside.
This adds extra sadistic fun when it's raining or snowing out.
If Frank dies, it doesn't really matter.
You can bury him in your backyard or throw him in the river. Who's going to care? Poland? I don't think so!
Frank is willing to work at any job for any rate of pay.
This means that you would no longer have to work.
Frank can be used as a valuable and legal tax write-off.
Get over $500 back from your taxes simply for housing a dirty immigrant!
You can beat Frank as much and as often as you like.
He's too weak and starving to fight back. What a great stress reliever!
Frank cannot reject you.
Frank won't even know where the hell he is, let alone who you are! This gets rid of painful breakups or separations. If you don't want Frank anymore, simply kill him and lay his body out for garbage pickup.
One of the greatest things about Frank is that he is NOT a Nazi. Unlike other immigrants you could date, marry and force to work for you, you won't find Frank hailing Hitler in your rumpus room the morning after the wedding. You see, being from Poland, Frank doesn't really enjoy the furor or any of his policies.
In fact, for extra fun, fill your house with World War II memorabilia just before Frank arrives at your home. You'll wonder how he ever got so wound up!
Just in case you actually care about Frank (not required), here's a picture of his country's flag. What a piece of shit!
Here's a picture of where Frank comes from. What a shithole!
.....So there you have it. All you have to do is sign up for the contest, and you could have a date with Polish immigrant Frank Haataja! And guys, don't feel left out. You can enter too. Anyone not wishing to date Frank themselves can simply enter all of their friends. Wait until you see the looks on their faces when Frank shows up at their door!
To enter the "Date a Dirty Frank" contest, send a quick e-mail to the address below. Include the contestant's name, e-mail address (if known), reasons why this person wants to date dirty Polish Frank (if entering someone else, simply make this up), and if possible, a picture of the contestant. Next month, our employees will select a winner. So send your entries or the entries of other unknowing people by clicking below:
DATE FRANK NOW!
