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June 26, 2003
T-shirts for my readersAnyone who has suffered through the torture of this lame website for any length of time knows that one of the main ways I lose readership is by completely making fun of everyone who comes to this site. Heck, why shouldn't I? This website sucks a big fatty. So for my loving readers, here are some t-shirts created especially for you:
 "fat ass", model #6947. If there's one phrase that describes all of my readers, it's "fat ass". But that's nothing to be ashamed of. Fat asses can kick the crap out of anyone, because they're freakin' huge. If Paul wasn't so secretive about his location, he'd probably get his ass kicked by fat asses every day.
 "loser with no friends", model #6948. If you actually have time to read all the mediocre content on this website, then you probably have no friends. Don't worry, though. Paul doesn't have any friends either. He makes up imaginary friends and has tea parties, except instead of tea, he drinks large amounts of alcohol.
 "I'll hump anybody", model #6949. Don't deny it. You'd hump a garbage can if you didn't need a tetanus shot afterward.
 "got herpes?", model #6950. This is what happens when you hump anything. If you need proof of this, e-mail me and I'll give you a list of dozens of herpes-infested women from the college I attended. Wait, what am I saying? If you're reading this website, you've already got herpes. If you don't, you'll contract it just by being here.
 "I pee in the shower", model #6951. This shirt may be flawed, because I'm not sure that my readers actually shower. Nevertheless, I'm sure they still pee there.
 "I have sex with penguins", model #6952. This shirt is part of a three shirt series about penguins. Did you know that 3 out of every 10 people have thoughts about taking a chilly role in the artic hay with a penguin? You're not alone, reader. You're not alone.
 "Penguins pay me for sex", model #6953. Why not get paid for what you love to do? Why not flaunt it as well? They can't arrest you just for saying you do it. Someone actually has to catch you in the act.
 "What's black and white . . .", model #6954. This is just wrong. Thursday Surprise, you have shamed me yet again! Oh, the poor penguins!  See the Archives
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