Survey Sez

Hello, and welcome to our survey! I'm glad you could take the time to participate in this new feature of my page. Answer each question honestly, and then add up your score. Send your score to me, and I'll post it for all to see!

Question #1: Take a look at this boy. What do you think of him?

A) He is ugly
B) I would like to beat him repeatedly with a shovel
C) He looks like Paul Ryan
D) He's kinda cute, and boy howdy, I sure do like that hairstyle
Correct answer: B

Question #2: If you could bring one thing onto a desert island with you, it would be:

A) Food
B) Water
C) A shovel, to dig a tunnel under the ocean and escape the island
D) Anna Kournikova (see pic below)

Correct answer: D

Question #3: It is 70 degrees outside. What do you do?

A) Stay inside and watch "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"
B) Frolic in the middle of your college campus with nothing but a sock on
C) Pee out of a third story window on children running through a sprinkler, claiming that "they'll never know the difference"
D) Do community service for old people
Correct answer: B or C

Question #4: What is your favorite pick-up line?

A) "Hi, my name is Paul Ryan"
B) "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille nametag"
C) "You must be Jamaican, because jamaican me crazy"
D) "Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?"
Correct answer: A. If you answered C or D, dock yourself a point

Question #5: Your dream job would be:

A) No job
B) Hosing down fat people outside "Old Country Buffet"
C) Anything that involves wearing a kilt
D) Anything that involves Dave Schleifer
Correct answer: D

Question #6: If I had a monkey, I would name it:
A) Lance
B) Bobo
C) Monkey
D) Slappy, the Naughty Monkey
Correct answer: D

Question #7: I would describe my girlfriend as being:

A) 12 years old
B) "Chock full" of diseases
C) Wider than a Mack truck
D) As beautiful as Anna Kournikova
Correct Answer: Ummmm.......none of them really. Unless you picked D-- then you're just a liar. And a bad one at that.

Question #8: Finish this sentence. Dan Bolander is...

A) The coolest man alive
B) The father of my illegitimate child
C) The best thing since sliced bread
D) The former lead singer of "Wham!"
Correct answer: B

Question #9: My favorite drink is:

A) Water
B) Mountain Dew
C) Coffee made from specially picked beans collected each morning from the coffee bean fields of Mexico by Juan Valdez
D) A 12-pack of Rolling Rock, 3 bloody marys, 6 shots of straight vodka, and a chocolate chip cookie
Correct answer: D

Question #10: This survey is:

A) Stupid
B) A waste of my time
C) Making me dumber and dumber every minute
D) Making me hungry for pie
Correct answer: D again

SCORING

0-3 POINTS--You are a good, clean, wholesome person with high values and morals. Shame on you.

4-6 POINTS--You are somewhat wholesome, but still like to "slap a little booty" now and then.

7-9 POINTS--So close! You are almost a complete pervert. Keep working towards your goals, and soon you may be as dirty as a 350 lb man with head lice and scurvy. It's a dream that few will ever get to enjoy fully.

10 POINTS--Congratulations! You are a full-fledged pervert/sicko/possible pedifile. Your collection of Playboy magazines is up in the thousands. You drink tequila at 10am on a Monday morning. When people tell you that you've had enough, you tell them that drinking more beer will "help sober you up." You give your girlfriend the pet name "cum dumpster." Yes indeed, you are a man for which Tic Tacs and a cold shower do nothing. Keep up the good work, soldier.

IF YOU ANSWERED D TO #1--You are gay. There is nothing more here for you on this site. Get out.

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