This Column Starts Out Nice, But Ends Up Horrible and Disgusting

First off, I'd like to apologize for the Dominique Moceanu poll not working yesterday. It's working today. Some of the settings on the new forum were off. But it's working again now, and you can vote by going to the "Ramblings" section of the forum (you do have to register with the forum before you can vote, but it's anonymous). The poll will be there, waiting for you.

By the way, I've received no word yet from Moceanu regarding the "Date with Dan" dilemma. Big shocker, I know.

Well, this column's about to get even tougher to write. I just got a part in a play. I will be the "ward helper" in something called "Dogsbreath Devereaux". It's a bigger part than you would think, though. It involves being a helper in a, uh . . . ward. Yeah.

I can't complain. I walked into auditions, and the director announced that there was only one major male part (insert tasteless joke here), and that it would likely be given to someone middle-aged or older.

So I got the second-biggest part. The ward, uh . . . helper. Yeah. All I know is I have to kiss someone during the play, and the people auditioning weren't exactly the ripest apples on the tree. They were more like the old, rotting apples on the tree that kids chuck at each other, or the fat, squishy apples that look infested with worms.

What's that? The person I have to kiss? Yes, of course it'll be a woman, you jackass. God, I hate you.

So anyway, I'll be working 40 hours a week, performing in a play, writing this column daily and possibly stripping for quarters at the rest home. Did I mention that you can donate money to me by clicking the paybox at the bottom of this page? You can donate up to $50, and I'll even guarantee that your money will be used for the purchasing of pornography.

You see, reader, I don't have any pornography. This is because I don't have a lot of money. My employer refuses to give me signed checks, opting instead to pay me with various items he finds around his office. As you might imagine, it's very hard to pawn outdated copies of Webster's Dictionary and photos of my editor's family members.

Therefore, I am unable to afford the mass amounts of hardcore pornography that the man with the sticky handshake sells in his store down the street. That's why it's important that you donate as much money as possible.

For $5, I can only get a pack of nudie playing cards. For $15, maybe an issue of "Women Over 40". But for $55,450, I can hire the paparazzi to hide in the ceiling tiles of Anna Kournikova's shower. I'd set up a live feed to this website, so everyone could see. And hey, then I wouldn't even have to write columns anymore. Some other things I would also no longer do include: going to work, showering, eating or drinking, and using the restroom.

It's not very hard, reader. All you have to do is click on the paybox 1,109 times, donating the $50 maximum each time. It won't even feel like you're spending $55,450.

Do it me. Do it for yourself. Do it for your country. And fellas, despite what the female readers of this column may say today in the forum, despite what horrific profanity they may shout at us, getting live video of Anna Kournikova's shower is important. I mean, come on. We need this.