Diff'rent Strokes, Column Two: The Most Offensive Episode Ever

Mr. Drummond: All right, you f*ckin' kids. Get your sweet little asses to bed. Otherwise, you'll be sleeping in my bed!

Willis: Gross, man. I hate sleeping in his bed. He always tries to spoon me.

Arnold: I got dibs on Kimberly.

Mr. Drummond: Okay Willis, that means you're bunking with me again!

Willis: Damnit!

Kimberly: Did somebody say my name?

Arnold: Yeah. I'm going hardcore with you tonight, bitch.

Kimberly: That'll be a nice change. Usually I just pose for porno magazines and suck off guys for money, so I can buy smack.

Mr. Drummond: Okay, that's enough you two. It's time for bed. Willis, go borrow some of Kimberly's lingerie.

Willis: Damn! Why can't I just blow you and get it over with?

Mr. Drummond: Willis, that would make me a child molester, like the man from the bicycle shop. I certainly am not a sicko like that bastard. Now go get the lingerie, and make sure it's a thong.

Nancy Reagan: Good evening, Mr. Drummond. Sorry I'm late. You didn't forget that we had a date, did you?

Mr. Drummond: Oh sh*t. Look, don't you have a husband? Why don't you go ride him, and let me have my way with Willis?

Nancy Reagan: Oh, come on! Ron's had Alzheimer's for years, and you know it. He couldn't get it up if you tied it to a flag pole and raised it.

Kimberly: Hey Mrs. Reagan! Isn't it funny that your daughter and I both posed for Playboy?

Nancy Reagan: I ought to smack you, you little bitch. F*ck off!

Barbara Bush: I daresay, what's going on here? Mr. Drummond, why aren't you busy getting ready for the orgy? It starts in half an hour!

Mr. Drummond: Oh sh*t, I forgot. Can't you two bitches just go find a washing machine to sit on tonight?

Arnold: Damn! You're a flat-out pimp, dad!

Mr. Drummond: Go f*ck yourself with a toilet brush. I'm not your dad. I picked you out at the adoption agency like I was purchasing toilet paper to wipe my sh*t with.

Orson Welles without pants on: Damn you vile scoundrels! What's occurring with the orgy? I've had my pants off for nearly 45 minutes now! It's starting to get chilly down there!

Nancy Reagan: Oh, stop it. You did this once at the White House, and it didn't work then, did it? Go f*ck a lamppost.

Orson Welles without pants on: Well, I never! I shall certainly be making a film about your vile ways! I'll call it "Citizen Bitch Reagan".

Nancy Reagan: Die, motherf*cker!

Nancy Reagan: Yeah! Take that, f*ckers! This place is a sh*thole anyway. Lookin' for a little poontang, Arnold?

Barbara Bush: You can have me when you're done with her, Arnold. I used to be in gymnastics.

Arnold: Come here, ladies. Arnold's gonna treat you right tonight. Come get a piece of my dong.

Nancy Reagan: Oh Arnold!

Barbara Bush: Oh Arnold!

Barney the Dinosaur: Oh Arnold! Spank me hard!