Libel 2002: Democrat Candidate Coverage

I'm sitting here at night drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in my apartment. Are you drinking while reading this? If not, go get a beer. I'll wait. Unless it's morning while you're reading this, in which case you should go and get two. It helps take the edge off before work.

So what's today's column about? Well, I'm supposed to be ripping on Democrats, to balance the political coverage with yesterday's column. As you can probably tell, I'm incredibly liberal, so I'm trying to stall.

Want to hear a funny joke?

No?

Want to see another "Diff'rent Strokes" episode I wrote?

OKAY! OKAY! I GET THE POINT!

All right, let's make fun of Paul Wellstone, the Democrat running for the U.S. Senate in the state of Minnesota.

Paul Wellstone signs his name like a little girl. You doubt me? I'm a newspaper reporter. I have proof for all my claims. See below.

Look at it. It's like a monkey with arthritis signed it in crayon. If the "P" on his signature speaks for his manhood, his penis is about the size of a normal man's pinkie. Seriously, how could any sane man sign his name that way? Does he not have a last name? Does he think signing "Paul" like a toddler who's eaten an entire bag of sugar makes it more personal?

On that same note, what's with that stupid green bus of his? For the amount of contributions Wellstone receives, you'd think he'd be able to find a bus that doesn't look like a toilet for hippies.

I will say, though, that I'm pretty disgusted by Norm Coleman's comments during his time here yesterday. He claimed that he "doesn't have the money that Wellstone does". Oh, please. The last thing anyone wants to hear is a rich kid bitching about the other rich kid down the street who has more money. YOU HAVEN'T EARNED A CENT OF IT, COLEMAN! IT'S ALL INHERITED AND PASSED DOWN TO YOU! YOU'VE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN YOUR LIFE! YOU'VE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN YOUR LIFE!

What? Oops! That's right, this is the Democrat bashing column. Okay, never mind that last paragraph.

So anyway, look at the signature again. Could you vote for someone who signs their name like a little girl? Of course you couldn't. So do the right thing, and vote for me this fall. Write my name in. I'll send you a dollar. No joke. I don't care about the consequences of bribery and voter fraud. Vote for me and I'll send you a dollar. When the final votes are tallied, I'll call the legislature and request a complete list of who was voted for. If my name shows up, that's how many people I'll pay.

But what's most important, despite my jokes and mockeries, is that you get educated and go vote. Otherwise, you'll just be another one of those loudmouth sh*theads. That's what non-voters are. I've said my piece. Vote Ryan for senate. Paul Ryan. If you don't, take your chances with the rest. Just don't sit there being stupid, not caring who wins. Educate yourself on the issues and vote. It does matter who wins. If elections didn't matter, we wouldn't be getting ready to bomb the hell out of Iraq right now, without being provoked. I rest my case.