Scientists' Poop Forum: Day Two of Two

Hello, and welcome to the second and final day of our scientists' poop forum. With us once again are Dr. Steven Goodspeed, Dr. Nathan Assifine and Wade Boggs. Let's try and have a civilized conversation today, shall we gentlemen?

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: I invented poop.

Poop wasn't invented, Dr. Goodspeed. You can't invent natural biological functions.

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: Not true. In fact, I just invented poop again right now . . . in my pants.

My dear Lord, why do I keep inviting you here? You are banned from talking. Now, does anyone have anything intelligent to say that involves research of some kind?

Dr. Nathan Assifine: I do.

Oh, good. Please proceed.

Dr. Nathan Assifine: I would like to research Mr. Goodspeed's soiled pants.

No! I told you, you will not turn this scientific forum into a joke! I want to talk poop! I want poop talk now!

Wade Boggs: Look! I drew a picture of a bear pooping his pants! Look, he's a POO bear! Ha!

No, damn it! No! No poo bears! Now be good, Mr. Boggs, or I'll have you deported, like Fernando Valenzuela.

Wade Boggs: No way. You signed a contract that said you would be responsible for me for the whole day, and I just took five more hits of "e".

Christ You know, Pat Sajack doesn't have to put up with this. For God's sake, let's start off with an easy discussion about poop. What do you people like about poop? Anything? Anything at all?

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: The texture. When I toss it from one hand to the other han-

I'm sorry, didn't I just tell you that you weren't allowed to speak? Good. Shut up.

Dr. Nathan Assifine: My name has the word "ass" in it.

What the hell is wrong with you, Dr. Assifine? I can't believe we've come to this, but Mr. Boggs, do you have anything you'd like to say?

Wade Boggs: (Sitting in corner, crying while listening to "Everybody Hurts" by REM).

I'll take that as a no.

Pete Rose.: (Walks in door) Hey everybody!

Pete Rose. Right. I do believe I'll turn inside-out retarded if I participate in this any further. What could you possibly want? This is a poop forum. Do you have anything to say about poop?

Pete Rose: Not really. Hey, can Wade Boggs come out and play?

Sigh. Hold on, let me check. Mr. Boggs, are you all right?

Wade Boggs: (Foaming at the mouth and having a seizure in the corner).

Sorry, he's busy.

Pete Rose: Hey, what's that on the table? A drawing?

Put that down and leave, Mr. Rose!

Pete Rose: Hey, it's a bear pooping his pants! Awesome!

Get out! Get the hell out! All of you! Now! My deepest apologies go to all the readers at Dailyramblings.com while we clear the room.

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: Dr. Assifine can really clear a room, especially after a good meal.

Shut up! Get the hell out! Out, I tell you!

Now where was I? Oh yes. I apologize for this year's unsuccessful scientists' poop forum. Neither you nor I learned anything substantial, which is unfortunate. But please, if you'd like to donate for next year's forum, I'm sure we can put together something proper and educational.

Oh, and as a special announcement from the reputable people at Dailyramblings.com, we'd like to remind you that school has now started again, so you should do your best to promote Dailyramblings.com at your university. Whether you request stickers and put them up all over school, send e-mails to all your friends mentioning the site, or just start telling people about it randomly, Paul guarantees that you'll get laid by the sexual partner of your choice if you get people to come here. The pointing out of fine educational websites like this one is great for getting nookie. Thank you and good night.