My Emmy Award

And the award for "Best Perverted and/or Mentally Challenged Website, in a Way Which Makes You Pound a Table with Your Clammy, White Knuckles as You Scream Profanity at the Top of your Lungs in Utter Disgust Before Running Outside in Search of a Squirrel to Strangle with Your Bare Hands": Dailyramblings.com!

Thank you, thank you. It's a great honor to receive the award for "Best Perverted and/or Mentally Challenged, in a Way Which Makes You Pound a Table with Your Clammy, White Knuckles as You Scream Profanity at the Top of your Lungs in Utter Disgust Before Running Outside in Search of a Squirrel to Strangle with Your Bare Hands". Ever since I was a wee lad, I've dreamed of winning the award for "Best Perverted and/or Mentally Challenged Website, in a Way Which Makes You Pound a Table with Your Clammy, White Knuckles as You Scream Profanity at the Top of your Lungs in Utter Disgust Before Running Outside in Search of a Squirrel to Strangle with Your Bare Hands".

I will admit that it's odd being here at the Emmys. Especially after last year's show, when I punched Kelsey Grammer in the groin. It's also odd to be receiving an award for my website, which has never been on or been involved with television, and therefore does not in any way qualify for an Emmy.

But nevertheless, I am glad to accept the award. I did not come here for awards alone, though. No, I came here for the massive amounts of hot chicks who will undoubtedly offer me favors of a sexual nature after seeing me win an award. And also because my appearance here may make my sexy self explode upon the popular scene, like Ricky Martin's Grammy appearance did for him. I can go buy a ridiculous-looking shiny shirt if it helps.

I know that most winners have a list of people to thank, but seeing how I do this website by myself, without help, I have decided to read a list of people not to thank.

First off, I'd like to not thank the Reader Weekly alternative newspaper, for rejecting my column from its publication. It's a shame that I couldn't become one of the 10,000 columnists you have in your newspaper each week.

I'd also like to not thank the Ripsaw weekly alternative newspaper, for not even responding to my request to write columns for your publication. You could have at least humored me, like the Reader Weekly.

As for individual people whom I'd like to not thank, first is my high school principal, Paul Reckewey, and the Dean of Students, Teresa Rosen, for censoring my column and the entire newspaper all through high school. Along with that, I'd like to thoroughly not thank the 90% of the high school student population who were jackasses to me. I hope your jobs at Amoco gas stations are going really, really lousy.

Before I forget, I'd also like to not thank the cop driving down the street below my apartment window, who just made a completely illegal u-turn in the middle of a four-lane street, and didn't pull himself over for it. For shame.

Well, the lame band is starting to play, in an attempt to drown me out and force me from the stage. But they're only playing softly, which means I have time for a few more not thank yous before they really start sh*t with me.

Other people or groups who I'd quickly like to not thank include the College of St. Scholastica for threatening to sue me, college professors Stewart P. and Naomi S. for hating me and my column with extreme prejudice, actress Katie Holmes for the restraining order, my former college newspaper editor David B. for scoffing at me for wanting to write a column freshman year, and Kinko's for charging me $17 just to update my column from Milwaukee during Summerfest

Thank you, and good night. Our next presenter is Macaulay Culkin. I'm sure you'll find him small and horrible, as I do. Don't blame Culkin for his height, though. His growth was stunted by Michael Jackson's brutal sodomy.