Mail Fight! Mail Fight!

I have a question for you, reader. It's a serious question, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't laugh. I'd appreciate you holding your laughs and chuckles and crap-eating grins until I'm finished asking this incredibly important question. Here's it is:

Do you think people who work at the post office have mail fights?

Seriously. If you were working at the post office, and you were bored (as unbelievable as that may seem), would you pick up mail and chuck it at one of your co-workers? Would you broadside someone with a package when they weren't looking? I know I would.

Come on, it would be like a snowball fight, just with mail. Somebody employee in the postal office business must have already come up with this idea, don't you think? You throw a letter at someone, they toss one back at you, and you retaliate by throwing a pile of letters in their face. Soon, you're throwing packages at each other, until the two of you join forces and dump one of those huge laundry bins of letters over the new kid's head, as if he were the head coach who had just won the Super Bowl.

What's the worst thing that would happen? Your supervisor would give you a speech about "your civic duty as a mailroom worker", or give you a warning? Somebody has to have tried this before. I can't be the only one who is dying to have a childish fight with other people's private correspondence.

Where's my brother? I bet he'd have a mail fight with me. Hey, Mike! Are you reading this? Mike? Hey Mike, remember back when we were kids, and I found that picture of you in the photo album from when you were a toddler? You know, that one where you were naked in the bathtub with that rubber ducky, or whatever bath toy you had? Remember when I brought that picture to my little league baseball game, and put it up in the dugout, and all my teammates laughed at it? And then remember how we won that game, and we wanted to post the embarrassing picture of you in the dugout every game, as a good luck charm? Yeah, that was funny.

Okay, if he is in fact reading today's column, I'll definitely be hearing about it soon. I remember the look on his face during the baseball game. It was a combination of horrified shock and ass-kickin' fever. Yes, I think I'll be hearing back from him very soon. Either that, or he'll refuse to speak to me for the rest of eternity. Either way, there's going to be a mail fight. Ooh baby, yeah. Mail fight.

That's it! You! Me! Post office! NOW!!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Do you think people at the post office get to the point where they can recognize plain packages that contain dirty movies, or a wiener pump or something equally embarrassing? Do you think they ever write "Ha ha, you're a pervert" on the packaging, just to be funny?

Do you think any of the post office workers ever write in the word "smelly" before people's names on random letters, just for fun? You know, take a letter addressed to "Sean Dugan", and change it so it's addressed to "Smelly Sean Dugan"? Or "Ugly Sean Dugan"? Or "Sean Dugan Smells"?

I know I would. Think how funny it would be, especially if the recipient called up the letter sender and got mad at them.

Hey! I'm not smelly! Stop writing "smelly" on your letters!

Granted, it would be mail fraud, but it's not like a supervisor wouldn't find "Smelly Sean Dugan" funny. I mean, it's classic! If Milton Berle weren't dead, that prank would be part of his "A" material. Unlike my "A" material, which consists of 5 jokes I stole from old episodes of "Hee-haw".

Kind of makes you want to skip reading my next column, doesn't it?