Let's Pretend I'm Duluth Mayor Gary Doty

Hello, I'm Gary Doty. I'm the mayor of Duluth, Minn. I'd like to talk to you today about some of the things I'm doing for our fine community, and some of the reasons why our community is so wonderful.

(Whispering offstage to Mark Winson, city administrator, and Mike Conlan, planning and development director) Hey guys, check the Duluth News-Tribune, and make sure there's nothing bad about me in there I should address later on. What? No, no, don't worry about aquarium stories. Their publisher chairs the aquarium task force, so you won't see any negativity about it in their paper.

Let's start with something nice I did last July. I sent a letter to the Duluth library, encouraging and showing my support for their program to have people read a book and discuss it. The book "To Kill a Mockingbird" was the one chosen at that time, and it is indeed a fine book.

Hey, "To Kill a Mockingbird" is the movie Sidney Poitier was in, right? No? He didn't do that? Well, then what did he do? "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"? What the heck is that? Well, forget about that, and tell me something more modern that he's done. He directed the Bill Cosby movie, "Ghost Dad"? Jesus. Remind me to have "To Kill a Mockingbird" banned from the library.

I like the library's program, because I truly believe in letting others speak and be heard. And I can assure you that I support any format where people's voices are heard, because it gives me the chance to listen. Winston Churchill once said: "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

What? That reporter from the Reader Weekly is on the phone? Tell her that I don't talk to Reader Weekly Reporters, because they're not a major newspaper, like the Duluth News-Tribune, Daily Telegram or Budgeteer. Oh, quit worrying. What are they gonna do, quote me? I'd like to see them try that!

I think that when citizens offer new perspectives for people to consider, and when we appreciate that differing perspectives also have merit, we become a stronger community.

Go back and double-check the events I'm supporting this month. Make sure we're not letting through any of that fruity stuff. Supporting homo and lesbo parades will make me lose the conservative vote. And don't let any of those people schedule meetings with me, either. Having too many of them in one area gives me the creeps. We have to keep my office and the rest of the city comfortable for normal people.

Some might think I’m being overly simplistic with this differing perspectives outlook, but I don’t think so. I don’t always get what I want from the city council, but I know that the democratic process is at work. City councilors don’t always get what they want from me. Nor do they always agree with one another. But that’s also part of the process of ensuring the best for all of Duluth.

After I'm done, look through the city council's decisions this month, and veto half of them, just to show those jerks who's boss. We have to send them little reminders like that every once in a while, otherwise they'll want to change things and point out my mayoral shortcomings all the time.

Yes, there’s no question about it. The state of our city is very good, because the state of our citizens is even better. Thank you for caring as deeply about Duluth as I do.

Okay, I'm done. I'm heading home. If anyone in this crowd hangs around for more than 15 minutes, have them arrested for violating the anti-loitering ordinance.