2:30 a.m. at Perkins

Paul want service! Breakfast now!

Hi there, welcome to Perkins. I'm Kelly, your waitress. What can I do–

Breakfast! Paul want breakfast now . . . breakfast early nighttime, all time . . .

Okay, sir. What's that you're pointing to on the menu? Pancakes? You want the buttermilk five? No? Ouch! Sir, there's no need to bite me. Just say "no" next time. Now what is it you want?

'Dis one. Arrghhh. I'm a pirate.

Okay . . . a pirate . . . so that's the classic egg favorites, then? How would you like your eggs?

Scrambled. With milk.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't add milk to our eggs. Some people are lactose intolerant.

Paul not lactose intolerant.

Yes, but some people are. You want everyone to be able to enjoy the eggs on our menu, don't you?

No.

Well, let's just move on anyway. Would you like bacon or sausage?

Bacon. Sausage look like dude's wiener.

Uh-huh . . . okay, would you like toast, a muffin or pancakes?

Pancakes and toast.

I'm sorry, you can only have one. Otherwise you have to pay extra.

How much toast cost?

Toast is $3.75 for two slices. That includes butter.

Jesus on the crapper. I take just pancakes, then. Stupid Perkins . . .

Okay, anything else today, sir?

Cheddar cheese on hashbrowns.

Sorry, we don't have cheddar cheese. Only American cheese.

What about quesadilla? Quesadilla have cheddar cheese.

Yes, we offer cheddar cheese for that, but not for anything else. Sorry.

Nazi waitress.

That's unnecessary, sir. Sir? Are you all right sir?

I fine. Hashbrowns ready yet?

No, not yet, sir. You seem to be sliding under the table. Are you uncomfortable in this booth? Would you like to sit at a table instead?

No. Gimme pillow. Sleepy.

We can't give you a pillow, sir. You're not allowed to pass out while waiting for your meal. Sir? Sir! Please don't chew on your placemat!

I'm a pirate. Cheddar cheese hashbrowns pirate. Arrrrrrrrr!

Riiiight. Okay. Would you like anything to drink? Maybe some water would help you out tonight.

White Russian.

No, we don't serve white Russians, sir, and I don't think you need one anyway. I thi–

CHEDDAR CHEESE! WHITE RUSSIAN! Funk tit.

I sincerely hope that wasn't an inappropriate remark about me, sir.

Funky tits.

Okay, you know what? I think it's time for you to leave, sir. You can't even sit up straight.

Your mother.

I'll call you a cab . . . hey! Sir, wake up!

Nazi waitress. Tellin' me when I sleep . . . I can sleep where I wanna . . .

Okay, we're calling you a cab. Why don't you wait outside for the cab to come? Here we go, let's try and make it to the door . . . no, sir, you can't take crayons with you. Those are for kids to color with.

Where's prize bin? Where's the wishing well with prizes? I want Sheriff's badge . . .

We haven't had that for almost ten years, sir. Here's the door. Go wait outside.

No prize? No toy for Paul? Stupid Nazi waitress. Stupid Perkins.