WARNING: THE TERROR ALERT LEVEL HAS BEEN RAISED TO "ANNOYING"
(December 23, 2003)

CONGRESSMAN GIL GUTKNECHT GOT SCHOOLED BY A NINTH-GRADE CIVICS STUDENT
(December 22, 2003)

I'LL GIVE YOU $50 IF YOU PUNCH SOMEONE FROM PETA
(December 19, 2003)

LETTERS COLUMN 28: PEOPLE ARE NICE TO ME, BUT I MAKE FUN OF THEM ANYWAY
(December 18, 2003)

HEY KIDS! SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL!
(December 17, 2003)

LA CROSSE'S BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN
(December 16, 2003)

DATING PROFILE FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN
(December 15, 2003)

TAKE IT FROM A REAL REVIEWER
(December 12, 2003)

ANOTHER GREAT CHRISTMAS CAPER: PART TWO
(December 11, 2003)

ANOTHER GREAT CHRISTMAS CAPER: PART ONE
(December 10, 2003)

I VISITED THE POOP FACTORY
(December 9, 2003)

SANTA DRIVES A PLYMOUTH BREEZE
(December 8, 2003)

BREAK OUT YOUR SKULLCAPS, IT'S TIME TO PRETEND TO BE JEWISH!
(December 5, 2003)

WANT TO KNOW WHY YOUR TUITION KEEPS GOING UP? SPORTS IS ONE PROBLEM
(December 4, 2003)

TODAY SUCKS, AND I CAN PROVE IT
(December 3, 2003)

THE SECRETARY OF STATE IS A CRAPPY SINGER
(December 2, 2003)

IT'S MONDAY, AND I JUST WANNA DANCE, DANCE, DANCE
(December 1, 2003)

STOP READING THIS COLUMN AND GO BUY ME PRESENTS
(November 27, 2003)

THANKSGIVING IS COMING TWICE. OOOH BABY. . .
(November 26, 2003)

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER SEXUALLY MOLESTED ME
(November 25, 2003)

THIS WEBSITE HAS A HEMI
(November 24, 2003)

I CAN'T WRITE TODAY'S COLUMN
(November 21, 2003)

LESBIANS SENT ME A PACKAGE!
(November 20, 2003)

CONGRESS HAS GREAT HEALTH BENEFITS. WHY CAN'T OTHERS?
(November 19, 2003)

GIVE ME SOME DAMN COOKIES
(November 18, 2003)

A LITTLE DISCUSSION ABOUT HEAVEN
(November 17, 2003)

LETTERS COLUMN 27: ST. SCHOLASTICA FIGHTS BACK!
(November 14, 2003)

TIPS FOR BEING A LOUSY REPORTER
(November 13, 2003)

I THINK MY BOSS IS DOING SOMETHING COOL IN HIS OFFICE
(November 12, 2003)

WHY DO PEOPLE SMELL?
(November 11, 2003)

PR0N? GESUNDHEIT
(November 10, 2003)

FREEDOM FROM STUPIDITY: LEAVE THE MONUMENTS ALONE
(November 7, 2003)

APPLICATION FORM TO DATE ME
(November 6, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 26)
(November 5, 2003)

INVEST IN MY CHEST
(November 4, 2003)

I WANT SOME CANDY, AND I WANT IT RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW
(November 3, 2003)

WAR OF THE WORLDS
(October 31, 2003)

HALLOWEEN COSTUME GRADING
(October 30, 2003)

COME ON DOWN! TO ROD RODDY'S FUNERAL!
(October 29, 2003)

A COLUMN FOR CLOSED-MINDED READERS
(October 28, 2003)

REALITY BITES
(October 27, 2003)

METHAMPHETAMINES ARE A PROFESSOR'S BEST FRIEND
(October 24, 2003)

DEER WANT TO DIE. KILL THEM NOW
(October 23, 2003)

FLU SHOT TIME
(October 22, 2003)

HOSPITALS SUCK
(October 21, 2003)

THE CURE
(October 20, 2003)

ASK REGINALD, THE ADVICE-GIVING MONKEY
(October 17, 2003)

CUBS FANS ARE WHINERS
(October 16, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 25)
(October 15, 2003)

PAUL RYAN'S VERY OWN HAUNTED HOUSE
(October 14, 2003)

THE UNIVERSITY NEEDS DONATIONS, BUT ALL I CAN GIVE THEM IS SARCASM
(October 13, 2003)

MY CRAPPY TWO DOLLAR RADAR DETECTOR WAS STOLEN. HOORAY!
(October 10, 2003)

MUST . . . DELETE . . . STOLEN . . . FILES . . .
(October 9, 2003)

CALIFORNIANS ARE DUMB
(October 8, 2003)

WE WOULD LIKE TO RETRACT SOME STATEMENTS
(October 7, 2003)

PAUL GETS AN OPERATION DONE
(October 6, 2003)

THE ADVENTURES OF SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER MAN
(October 3, 2003)

IS BLASPHEME A RELIGION? THAT WOULD BE NEAT
(October 2, 2003)

ONLY LOSERS TAKE BREAKS. I AM A LOSER
(October 1, 2003)

STORIES OF DRUNKARDS, NARD PUNCHING, AND INSINUATED BESTIALITY
(September 30, 2003)

I SHALL BE AMERICA'S CHAPLAIN OF NIGHTCLUBS
(September 29, 2003)

THEY ALL SUCK: A NON-PARTISAN LOOK AT THE CALIFORNIA CANDIDATES
(September 26, 2003)

I DID NOT CLOG UP THE TOILET AT WORK
(September 25, 2003)

FUN WITH BUMPER STICKERS
(September 24, 2003)

HOLY CRAP! I'M FREAKIN' TIRED!
(September 23, 2003)

I DON'T MEAN TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, BUT . . .
(September 22, 2003)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!
(September 19, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 24)
(September 18, 2003)

THAT THERE JOHN EDWARDS DON'T LOOK LIKE NO DEMMYCRAT
(September 17, 2003)

VOTE NOW FOR MAN OF THE YEAR!
(September 16, 2003)

THE TRUE DEATH OF JOHN RITTER: A ONE-ACT PLAY
(September 15, 2003)

PAUL GOES TO THE DOCTOR, SANS THE TURNING AND COUGHING
(September 12, 2003)

I REFUSE TO WRITE A 9/11 COLUMN
(September 11, 2003)

PAY $20 TO BE CALLED BY A LOSER
(September 10, 2003)

MOMMY, I HAD A BAD DREAM
(September 9, 2003)

LET'S MAKE IAN OUR SCAPEGOAT
(September 8, 2003)

HOW TO GET A PERFECT TAN WHILE DRIVING
(September 5, 2003)

DIRTY PILLOWS! I JUST ENJOY SAYING THAT. DIRTY PILLOWS!
(September 4, 2003)

BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL
(September 3, 2003)

TWELVE DOLLARS! TWELVE GLORIOUS DOLLARS!
(September 2, 2003)

VIDEO GAME FRIDAY
(August 29, 2003)

"I HAVE A DREAM"
(August 28, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 23)
(August 27, 2003)

PICK A HOT DATE FOR PAUL!
(August 26, 2003)

AL FRANKEN RULES, FOX NEWS CHOKES TRYING TO SUCK OWN WIENER
(August 25, 2003)

WHILE YOU WERE OUT
(August 22, 2003)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA E-MAILED ME
(August 21, 2003)

CRAPLOGGING: THE NEW WAVE OF THE LAZY FUTURE
(August 20, 2003)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
(August 19, 2003)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOOK LIKE THIS
(August 18, 2003)

LOOK OUT LADIES! HERE COMES SUPA FLY!
(August 15, 2003)

ARE YOU AN IDIOT? LET'S FIX THAT
(August 14, 2003)

YOUR CHANCE TO BUY A 12" PRICK
(August 13, 2003)

THE DIARRHEA OF THE CHAIN RESTAURANTS
(August 12, 2003)

KIDS TODAY AREN'T BASTARDLY ENOUGH
(August 11, 2003)

THIS COLUMN HAS NO TOPIC
(August 7, 2003)

IT'S TIME FOR A FUNNY CANDIDATE
(August 6, 2003)

IT'S CHRIS ONSTAD DAY!
(August 5, 2003)

THE MONDAY FARTING SONG
(August 4, 2003)

DEAR SMASHMOUTH: YOU BLOW ASS
(August 1, 2003)

ICEHOUSE BEER SUCKS . . . BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE THE ONE DRINKING IT
(July 31, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 22)
(July 30, 2003)

THE CAFFEINE STOPS HERE
(July 29, 2003)

IT'S ALL GONE . . .
(July 28, 2003)

MY BOSS IS GONE, AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT
(July 25, 2003)

THE LOSS OF A HERO; THE BLABBERING OF IDIOTS
(July 24, 2003)

CROCODILE DUNDEE
(July 23, 2003)

THE GREATEST IDEA FOR A BAR EVER
(July 22, 2003)

NO ONE LIKES ROWAN ATKINSON BUT ME
(July 21, 2003)

A TRIBUTE TO OREGON TRAIL
(July 18, 2003)

METALLICA OFFICIALLY BECOMES 'MOST RETARDED BAND EVER'
(July 17, 2003)

I'M NOT A CORPORATE SELLOUT
(July 16, 2003)

LOOK AT MY MOUSTACHE! I SAID LOOK AT IT, DAMNIT!
(July 15, 2003)

THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN WRITE TODAY'S COLUMN
(July 14, 2003)

REALITY VS. THE ADMINISTRATION
(July 11, 2003)

DEAR ADOBE: PEOPLE WILL STILL STEAL PHOTOSHOP
(July 10, 2003)

A TERROR-CODED SUMMER
(July 9, 2003)

EXPANDED GUIDE TO YELLING "EVENIN'!" AT RANDOM PEOPLE FROM A FAST-MOVING AUTOMOBILE
(July 8, 2003)

BARRY WHITE IS FREAKIN' DEAD
(July 7, 2003)

INSTANT COLUMN, VERSION 2
(July 3, 2003)

SNEAK PREVIEW WEDNESDAY!
(July 2, 2003)

THIS JOB SUCKS
(July 1, 2003)

MANLY SHOPPING IS PROPER SHOPPING
(June 30, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 21)
(June 27, 2003)

MR. OBLIVIOUS STRIKES AGAIN
(June 26, 2003)

THE BICYCLE BANDIT
(June 25, 2003)

I DON'T WANT TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO, BUT . . .
(June 24, 2003)

TOM HEUER: GET A JOB YOU BUM
(June 23, 2003)

THE POSTMASTER IS A JERK
(June 20, 2003)

WANT TO GO SHOPPING FOR THINGS YOU WILL EVENTUALLY PUT IN YOUR MOUTH?
(June 19, 2003)

THE NEW COLUMN PHOTO
(June 18, 2003)

THE GUY AT MCDONALD'S DOESN'T THINK MY CLOTHING IS TRENDY
(June 17, 2003)

I'M GOING NEWS-FREE FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK
(June 16, 2003)

NOT-REALLY-SO-LIVE FROM DICK PUTZ FIELD
(June 13, 2003)

THE POOP JOKE CHALLENGER
(June 12, 2003)

SATURDAY IS NATIONAL 'MISERABLE BASTARD' DAY
(June 11, 2003)

SECEDE? YOU NORTHERN YANKEE FOLK WILL PAY!
(June 10, 2003)

MR. FANTASTIC: A TRIBUTE TO ME
(June 9, 2003)

SLEEPY FRIDAY
(June 6, 2003)

MY FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND'S FRIEND HAD SEX WITH BARRY BONDS
(June 5, 2003)

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST!
(June 4, 2003)

YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS
(June 3, 2003)

ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE FUN OF ME
(June 2, 2003)

FRIDAY BLOGGING
(May 30, 2003)

COLUMN NUMBER 305
(May 29, 2003)

I THINK MY NEIGHBORS ARE DEAD
(May 28, 2003)

SU MADRE COME LA MIERDA PARA EL DESAYUNO
(May 27, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 20)
(May 23, 2003)

GEOFFREY THE GIRAFFE IS DEAD
(May 22, 2003)

WEAPONS! VIOLENCE! THIS COLUMN SHALL RULE!
(May 21, 2003)

WOULD YOU RAISE TAXES ALREADY, YOU SISSIES?
(May 20, 2003)

EGAD! I'VE BEEN SLANDERED IN A MURPHY BROWN SORT OF WAY!
(May 19, 2003)

THE ISLAND OF MISFIT COLUMNS
(May 16, 2003)

PECULIAR EVENT, PECULIAR COLUMN
(May 15, 2003)

I'D LIKE TO REMORTGAGE MY APARTMENT
(May 14, 2003)

TIPS ON VANDALISM/HOOLIGANISM (Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!)
(May 13, 2003)

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR BOSS
(May 12, 2003)

YOU MUST WORSHIP ME, YOU UNTALENTED FOOLS!
(May 9, 2003)

WORST. IDEA. EVER.
(May 8, 2003)

OH NO! HERE COMES THE . . . WAIT, NEVER MIND. IT'S JUST THE NAVY
(May 7, 2003)

THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF DAILY RAMBLINGS
(May 6, 2003)

TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW FREAKIN' WONDERFUL THEY ARE
(May 5, 2003)

WRITING EXERCISE FIVE: BECOME A LITERARY PORNOGRAPHER!
(May 2, 2003)

WRITING EXERCISE FOUR: MAKING FUN OF DEAD PEOPLE
(May 1, 2003)

WRITING EXERCISE THREE: OFFENSIVE LETTER WRITING
(April 30, 2003)

WRITING EXERCISE TWO: WRITING WHERE PEOPLE POOP
(April 29, 2003)

WRITING EXERCISE ONE: LET THE SUCKING BEGIN
(April 28, 2003)

GUNS? WE NO NEED NO STINKING GUNS
(April 25, 2003)

EVERYONE LOVES A BOYCOTT
(April 24, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 19)
(April 23, 2003)

I AM NOT A MOOSE HUMPER
(April 22, 2003)

AN EXAMPLE: WHY BEING A REPORTER BLOWS
(April 21, 2003)

GUEST COLUMN FIVE: IAN TALTY
(April 18, 2003)

GUEST COLUMN FOUR: AARON BROWN
(April 17, 2003)

GUEST COLUMN THREE: KATE HOULIHAN
(April 16, 2003)

GUEST COLUMN TWO: TOM HEUER
(April 15, 2003)

GUEST COLUMN ONE: MEGHAN FINLEY
(April 14, 2003)

NEXT WEEK COMES THE GUEST COLUMNS; TODAY COMES THE STRING OF COMMENTARY SANS THE SEGWAYS
(April 11, 2003)

I'M GOING TO TRYOUT FOR 'THE REAL WORLD'
(April 10, 2003)

LOOK AT DIS CAKE I GOTS! CAAAAAKE IN THE HIZZZOUSSE, BIIIAAATCH!
(April 9, 2003)

ON TOUR WITH THE WORST BRITISH ROCK BAND EVER
(April 8, 2003)

INFOMERCIALS, POOP, AND OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE UP A TERRIBLE HUMOR COLUMN
(April 7, 2003)

HOLY CRAP! OH GOD! OH NO! OH HOLY CRAPPING CRAP! MAN! CRAP! OH MAN, CRAP! I'VE GOTTA TURN BACK THE CLOCKS!
(April 4, 2003)

I RENTED 'THE TUXEDO BECAUSE I HEARD JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT SHOWED NIPPLE IN IT
(April 3, 2003)

READERS DECLARE YESTERDAY'S COLUMN 'LAMEST APRIL FOOL'S DAY PRANK EVER'
(April 2, 2003)

THE LAST COLUMN
(April 1, 2003)

ADVICE FOR LIBERALS, WHO BADLY NEED IT
(March 31, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 18)
(March 28, 2003)

TAKE OVER THIS WEBSITE!
(March 27, 2003)

HELLO, I'M PAUL RYAN, AND I ENJOY RUNNING OVER CHILDREN WITH MY CAR
(March 26, 2003)

LOOK OUT BOBBLEHEAD RICK! IT'S EVIL BOBBLEHEAD ALPHONSO!
(March 25, 2003)

AN OPEN LETTER TO CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS
(March 24, 2003)

IT'S "MARCH ABERRATION", BECAUSE "MARCH MADNESS" IS A COPYRIGHTED TERM
(March 21, 2003)

ARE PONIES PRETTY? THE SUSPENSE MAY KILL YOU!
(March 20, 2003)

LET'S PRETEND I'M A BLOGGER
(March 19, 2003)

JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM
(March 18, 2003)

ÉSTA ES LA MEJOR COLUMNA QUE HE ESCRITO SIEMPRE
(March 17, 2003)

I WAS VICTIMIZED BY A WALK-BY CONVERSATIONALIST
(March 14, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 17)
(March 13, 2003)

THIS MILK CARD SUCKS ASS
(March 12, 2003)

PATRICK EWING WILL REAP VENGEANCE ON YOU
(March 11, 2003)

MY DAD WAS PROPOSITIONED BY A WHORE
(March 10, 2003)

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
(March 7, 2003)

I TOTALLY DID NOT STEAL A LINE OF THIS COLUMN FROM A COEN BROTHERS MOVIE
(March 6, 2003)

FOR ONCE, I WILL BASH LIBERALS
(March 5, 2003)

I'M A BIG WINNER! YAAAY!
(March 4, 2003)

I'M SICK, AND NOT IN A PERVERTED MANNER
(March 3, 2003)

AN HONORARY MR. ROGERS ROAST
(February 28, 2003)

MY FORMER LIFE AS A PIMP
(February 27, 2003)

MY VACATION IS OVER, BUT I'M STILL COOLER THAN YOU
(February 26, 2003)

EXTRA! EXTRA! CASINO PEOPLE SMELL LIKE PEE!
(February 25, 2003)

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FREAKING DAY IT IS
(February 24, 2003)

I'M TOTALLY KEEPING THIS GUITAR
(February 21, 2003)

PAUL, THE COLUMN, AND OLD MAN REPUBLICAN
(February 20, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 16)
(February 19, 2003)

A GUEST COLUMN BY ACCOMPLISHED ACTOR, CRAIG T. NELSON
(February 18, 2003)

A MONDAY MORNING STAFF MEETING AT MICROSOFT
(February 17, 2003)

VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS!
(February 14, 2003)

A VALENTINE'S DAY SUGGESTION FOR THE INDEPENDENT MAN
(February 13, 2003)

BUDGET CUTS AT DAILY RAMBLINGS
(February 12, 2003)

FIGHT BACK AGAINST THE MAN USING MINIMAL EFFORT! I'LL SHOW YOU HOW!
(February 11, 2003)

VALENTINE'S DAY BLOWS
(February 10, 2003)

NEW WTC REPLACEMENT DESIGNS REVEALED!
(February 7, 2003)

POWELL WILL GET RESULTS, BUT NOT IN THE WAY HE WANTS
(February 6, 2003)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "MR. T ATE MY BALLS"?
(February 5, 2003)

NO COLUMN? YOU BASTARD!
(February 4, 2003)

THE HANGOVER
(February 3, 2003)

WE BE NEWSPAPERIN', FOOL! WE BE NEWSPAPERIN' ALL NIGHT LONG!
(January 31, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 15)
(January 30, 2003)

SUBWAY JARED MUST DIE!
(January 29, 2003)

YO! IT'S TECHNOLOGY DAY FOR THE FELLAS AND THE LADIES!
(January 28, 2003)

RANDOM SUPER BOWL OBSERVATIONS/CRAP
(January 27, 2003)

LET'S TOUR PAUL'S STUPID APARTMENT
(January 24, 2003)

LAZY PAUL'S LAZYLAND APARTMENT
(January 23, 2003)

A SHORT ONE-ACT PLAY THAT WILL BRING WORLD PEACE, PROSPERITY, AND LOVE TO EVERYONE, AND WILL GET RID OF WORLD HUNGER, HATE, AND DEPRESSION ON ALL THOSE AFFLICTED WITH SUCH THINGS, AND WILL ALSO CURE THE HERPES VIRUS
(January 22, 2003)

WE MUST KILL THE VAMPIRES AT ONCE!
(January 21, 2003)

I RECKON I'M A GONNA GET ME A CHAIR
(January 20, 2003)

PAUL REUBENS: RAMBLINGS CEO?
(January 17, 2003)

JAMES LILEKS NEEDS TO SHUT THE HELL UP
(January 16, 2003)

AMERICAN PIE 3: THIRD TIME'S A PIECE OF CRAP
(January 15, 2003)

THE FLASH MOVIE
(January 14, 2003)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP SAYING 'HELLA'
(January 13, 2003)

LET'S PRETEND I'M A BASEBALL CARD DEALER
(January 10, 2003)

A QUICK GUIDE TO THIS AWFUL WEBSITE
(January 9, 2003)

E-MAILS, COMMENTS, CLARIFICATIONS AND RANDOM COMPLAINTS FROM READERS (PART 14)
(January 8, 2002)

BOBBLEHEAD RICK GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM
(January 7, 2003)

I AM THE CENTERFOLD
(January 6, 2003)

BEHOLD! MY BITCHIN' GRIDDLE!
(January 3, 2003)

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!
(January 2, 2003)

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