Behold! My Bitchin' Griddle!

I bought not a griddle today, but The Griddle. And no, you can't use it. I will never let you use it. Nobody can use The Griddle but me. I paid a full $9.99 for it, and I will not let you destroy it.

Think I'm being overprotective? Think again. I've had three griddles in my lifetime, and they've all been horribly mutated. Now that I don't have any roommates, no one will have the chance to ruin The Griddle.

My former roommates were merciless to the griddles of yore. They would put them under cold water in the sink after use, causing them to bend and become misshaped. A bent griddle is no good, reader. The uncooked egg whites will run to one end of a bent griddle if you don't hold it at an angle the entire time you're cooking.

And that's a pain in the buttocks.

My former roommates would also use metal spatulas on the griddles of yesterday, scraping off all the non-stick coating. FOOLS! Plastic spatulas are needed for griddles as fine as mine. Do you know what happens when you try to cook eggs on a griddle that has lost its non-stick coating? Take a look at my old griddle below.

Do you see how gross that is? Do you see how utterly defeated such a griddle is? Take a closer look at the sludge caked on this griddle of lost years.

Filthy marshes of dried grease that will not come off, no matter how many times you wash the griddle, are not a good substitute for non-stick surfaces.

But there is a new griddle in town. The Griddle, which I spoke of earlier. It's new, and flawless. There are no roommates to disrespect The Griddle and ruin it. The Griddle, which I paid not 10 dollars for before taxation, will live forever. Behold!

To put it plainly, I am a man who enjoys a hearty and properly-cooked meal of bacon and eggs. One cannot cook such a manly meal without a proper griddle. The Griddle is a proper griddle, and come Saturday morning, I'll be in breakfast heaven.

Do you love The Griddle? Do you, (gasp!) hate it? Send in your e-mails to or about The Griddle. I will print them all, and mock the disbelievers.

Drinky, drinky, drinky Friday. Have you recovered from New Year's Eve yet? If not, you must be an imbecile who doesn't know how to drink properly. Here's a drink recipe for smart people who know that drinking intelligently doesn't involve taking shots until they vomit against the inside of a closed car window. It's a sick version of a "black Russian" my friends and I made during my sophomore year of college.

1 bottle 100-proof vodka
1 bottle Kahlua
1 ridiculously large cider jug

Pour everything into gigantic cider jug. Put jug in trunk of car. Take to beach at night with friends. Stir jug with stick. Drink contents while trying not to gag. Two hours later, when police come to arrest you for being loud, obnoxious and underage, throw jug into Lake Superior and run like the dickens.

Keep sending in your recipes. If anyone can tell me the exact recipe of a "purple haze", the kind they make at "Norm's" in Superior, WI, I will send you an item of your choice from the Daily Ramblings Store. Hey, maybe you should tell the bartenders at "Norm's" about this site. If they mention your name while e-mailing me the recipe, I might just give you both free items.