New WTC replacement designs revealed!

original print date, February 7 2003

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...................Paul Ryan

Wait for it . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . the dumbest idea of the century is about to get here . . . hey, there it is! It's one of the two final designs for the replacement of the World Trade Center!

I'm told this is a skeleton representation of the old WTC. Apparently, this is supposed to be cool. Something like that. I'm not sure what's lodged near the top of the structure, but at first glance it looks to be buttwipe. It's fitting, though, since this design is the dumbest idea since turds for breakfast. And just think: it's one of the two best ideas we've thought up! Here's the other one:

I don't know what the hell this is, but I'm pretty sure it's based on the ice cave from Superman 2. It's hard to tell the buildings from the background, so I can't really say much about it. It most likely sucks, though.

The design I submitted, which included a large skyscraper with a neon sign reading, "Give Paul a Beej", was not selected as a finalist.

The other fourteen designs I submitted were thrown out because, and I quote from Secretary of State Colin Powell, "Thirteen of them are graphically detailed phallic symbols, and the other is a crude drawing of a Carl's Jr. restaurant done on a cocktail napkin." Like that's any worse than what they have now. Picky bastards.

There were also three designs from architects that didn't make the final cut, but unlike all those other websites reporting on the new designs, I actually did my research. You're very lucky to be a fan of this website, reader, because I'm going to show you these "lesser" designs.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the rejected designs for the replacement WTC plans. Hold on to your hats, because this is a Daily Ramblings exclusive:

Design #1: Nerf World Headquarters

Want to keep your building from being harmed by flying objects? Cover it with Nerf. It's safe, fun, and guaranteed 100% sexy. This design is completely perfect, as long as it doesn't rain.

Design #2: Super Happy Fun Slide

Not only is the Super Happy Fun Slide design a great attraction for tourists, it's also useful in dangerous situations. Terrorist attack? Slide down to safety. The only problem with this design is that the metal sliding surface may give mild third-degree burns on hot summer days. Also, cold winter days may bring frostbite, or an icy slide at 150 mph to a gruesome death on the pavement below. But for the three weeks a year when the weather is right, this is both a fun and practical design.

Design #3: The "Come Get Me, Bitch" Towers

What's that? There's a plane coming? *Yawn* Go back to bed, citizen. We'll take care of it. Feel safer than you've ever felt before, with the help of 40mm guns welded to the tops of buildings. In my humble opinion, this is an option that should have been in the running.

Do you like any of these designs? Do you think the government was stupid for rejecting them? Call your government representatives today, and tell them you want to see one of these three options, or possibly a Carl's Jr. restaurant, put in the running. It's the least you can do for your country.

Are you depressed? It's probably because you're sober. Happens to the best of us, my friend. Let's solve your little problem with a potentially dangerous bout of drinking. Since no one has sent in any real drink recipes, I'll supply a special concoction from my college days, back when I was a goddamn moron. I call it "Paul's Retro Stargate Elixir (circa 1999)".

1 large super-sipper cup
1 bottle Bacardi rum
1 tsp. Coca-cola

Get home from your crappy job around 10:15 p.m., and notice how your roommate and other friends are already drunk, and anxious to leave for the club. Quickly take the super-sipper cup you use at your crappy and horribly depressing telemarketing job, and fill it 3/4 full of rum. Fill it the rest of the way with Coca-cola. On the second time around, fill the cup nearly to the brim with rum, and drop in a few drops of Coca-cola. Drink two more drinks like this, and be out the door by 11 p.m. While walking to the club, take turns with friends drinking out of the handy super-sipper cup. Outside the club, throw the cup by the side of the building. Wake up the next morning with an "Oh my God, why am I such a dumbass" hangover, and marvel at how you somehow remembered to retrieve the super-sipper cup before heading home.

Thank God those days are over. Yikes.