|
Valentine's Day blows ...................Paul Ryan
Along with these things, maybe you would like a card that says something like, "You are wonderful. May you be blessed with the wisdom and joy of the Torah"? Oh, sorry. That's a bar mitzvah card. Let me try again: A card that says, "When love arrives, the heart is the first to know. This kind of chemistry happens only once in a lifetime, and I know that I could never love another as much as I love you." Wouldn't all these items just melt your heart? Yes? They would? Well then, you're just a sappy jerk. Seriously, why don't we just eat a whole box of Chips Ahoy! and have sex on a pool table? Wouldn't that be more fun? You scowl and shake your head disapprovingly, my love, but we both know this arrangement would be much more fun. Especially the sex on the pool table part. Woo-woo! Seriously though, I'm not kidding about the chocolates part. Which would you rather eat: a hard and chewy toffee-filled chocolate, or a pack of M&M's and a Hostess ding dong? I think we both know the answer. Here's a fun side note: if you search for "Hostess ding dong" on the Internet, you just get a bunch of porn sites. They're all titled as if they were the actual Hostess website. I may be a sadistic jerk, but at least I don't run a Hostess ding dong porn site. Anyway, I say to hell with this Valentine's Day crap. I'm a tolerant man, but enough is enough. I'll be Merry during Christmas, Happy during Channukah, and Kongratulatory during Kwanza, but I draw the line at Valentine's Day. What kind of a holiday is it when I don't even get me the day off from work? Hell, the mailman doesn't even get the day off from work. It's gotta be a sham. Many of you may be wondering why I'm such a curmudgeon. Was there some sort of Valentine's Day accident in my past, where candy was forced down my throat until I nearly died? Did the scene from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", where the kid dies in the chocolate river, leave me emotionally scarred? Am I still bitter from grade school, when everyone was forced to give everyone a valentine, and all my valentines from girls had "you are nice", or some other lame comment, written on the back? Nope. None of the above. Well, maybe the grade school one, but that's it. Oh, and I still get kinda spooked during the part of the Willie Wonka movie where the boat goes through the psychedelic tunnel. But that's all, though. No, my hatred of Valentine's Day is a professional thing. Think about it. Valentine's Day is a day when we're supposed to be full of love. I'm a humor columnist, so hatred and pure evil are the tools of my trade. When Valentine's Day comes along, I'm expected to be nice to people, and my productivity ends up going down the toilet. How can I make you laugh if I can't be mean to people? Should I just give up, and start telling clean jokes? Everybody knows clean jokes aren't funny. The only good clean jokes are those Bill Cosby ones, where he talks about how his parents beat him. But my parents didn't beat me, so I have no material. Thanks a lot, mom and dad. Sheesh. But maybe you can change my mind, reader. Maybe if you send me a valentine, like one of those cool ones with Snoopy and Woodstock on them, then maybe I'd be cool with Valentine's Day. I'm warning you, though. I'd better not get any that say, "you are nice" on the back.
I Love Paul Ryan c/o The Reader Weekly P.O. Box 16122 Duluth, MN 55816
|
Hello my darling. Happy Valentine's Day. Would you like a heart-shaped box filled with chocolates, most of which you will spit out because they are filled with gross things like coconut, hazelnut cream, and mocha coffee flavoring? How about some flowers that will quickly wither and die, but which you will refuse to throw out because somehow you think I will be offended? Perhaps I could give you a piece of jewelry that I am unable to afford, and which you will never wear because it's too fancy?
