I rented 'The Tuxedo' because I heard Jennifer Love Hewitt showed nipple in it

Nothing's worse than spending an hour and a half watching a crappy movie just because your friend says there's boobies in it. Especially when the movie is crappier than you thought, and does not include the boobage your friend promised.

And let me assure you that "The Tuxedo" is completely boob-free. It's a total sham. I watched it on DVD, so I was able to use the pause and slow motion buttons to study each boob-related frame in perfect digital resolution.

There's a few scenes where you can almost see Hewitt's boobs, but that's about it. When my friend said he saw nudity, I imagine he was referring to the scene where Hewitt gets attacked in the swimming pool. While that scene is indeed controversial, I maintain that there was no clear nipplage. The body parts seen during the underwater shot are unclear, and nudity was unable to be confirmed. Others may disagree, but I just call 'em as I see 'em.

Was that Hewitt's full boob, or just a partial boob obstructed by bubbles? The world may never know. In order to find out, I looked up Hewitt's phone number in Los Angeles. For some reason, she has chosen to keep her number unlisted. Her name is in there, though. But not her number. Seriously! See for yourself:

Jennifer L Hewitt? It has to be the same one. But why didn't she list her phone number or address? I'll bet it's because she's conceited. I really can't think of any other reason why her contact information wouldn't be listed for everyone to see.

Anyway, the other boob scenes aren't as questionable as the swimming pool one. The scene where Hewitt falls down in the parking lot is close, but it's not anything major. The other cleavage scenes (seducing the bouncer at the door, seducing the bad guy, seducing the bad guy again, lounging by the pool in a low-cut dress, etc.) are nice, but they still aren't good enough to be worth an hour and a half of my life.

So to put it plainly, "The Tuxedo" is an awful movie. When I decided to watch it, I was skeptical about the boob rumors, since this is a PG-13 film. But I figured that even if there weren't boobs, I would be entertained by cool Jackie Chan stunts. Unfortunately, the stunts all sucked. Sure, he kicked people and stuff, but he didn't really do anything cool.

If I were the director, I would have shown Hewitt and Chan the finished product, then thrown it in a garbage can, lit it on fire, and said, "Let's try this again, except this time, you show your boobs and Chan will do some cool 'Rumble in the Bronx' stunts. Without boobs and ass-kicking, this movie will be tedious, boring, and just plain unwatchable. But with cool Jackie Chan stunts and full-frontal Jennifer Love Hewitt nudity, this film will be an Oscar contender."

And I'd be right, too.

The ladies who read this column probably think I'm a disgusting pig for watching a movie just to see Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts. But the fellas know differently. There isn't a man on earth who hasn't watched movies simply for the nudity. Cinemax wouldn't be in business if it weren't for their overabundance of really, really awful movies that are full of nudity. Seriously, if the movie "Dirty Dancing" had a nude scene, we'd probably watch it with you, ladies.

If you ladies ever meet a man who claims he's never watched movies just for the nudity, you should be wary of that man. For that man is a liar. And a bad one at that. This is a guarantee.