Holy crap! Oh God! Oh no! Oh holy crapping crap! Man! Crap! Oh man, crap! I've gotta turn back the clocks!

Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap. Daylight Savings Time is coming, and I have to change the clocks. Do I turn them back or forward? HOLY CRAP, I don't know which way to turn the clocks. I could be two hours late for everything. I could change my clock the wrong way, leave my house late, and then be attacked by hermaphrodites, all because I didn't know the correct time.

What's the number for that thing where you call on the phone and they keep repeating the time and date? HEY! WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR THAT THING WHERE YOU CALL ON THE PHONE AND THEY KEEP REPEATING THE TIME AND DATE?!? I have very little time to figure this out, people. I have even less time if we're supposed to turn the clocks forward.

Aaaahhhh! Clocks! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

What kind of a world do we live in where the hours of the day are just shifted around at will? Who decided this? What is the purpose? Since I'm not a farmer, should I really have to conform to this ridiculous tradition? Are they trying to make me stay up later? Are they trying to make me go to bed earlier? Are they trying to make me buy fried chicken over the Internet? Is Al Gore involved?

Whew. I should calm down. I don't want to freak anybody out. I'll just keep this whole impending disaster to myself.

Look at them all. Everyone is walking around outside, going about their day like nothing's wrong. They're carefree and happy, completely unaware of the world-spinning, clock-changing wrath of Daylight Savings Time. I'll bet most of them don't even have a clue. They probably won't know until the last minute, when it all comes crashing down on them.

I wish I were like them. I wish I didn't know about Daylight Savings Time. I wish nobody had ever told me about it. Why must I carry the burden? I wish I had never heard about any of this! Why can't I be the unknowing optimist? Ignorance is bliss! IGNORANCE IS SWEET ORGASMIC BLISS!

BE AFRAID, PEOPLE! THE CHANGING OF THE CLOCKS IS COMING FASTER THAN YOU THINK! COME SUNDAY MORNING, YOU SHALL ALL AWAKEN IN A WORLD OF DARKNESS! THE SUN SHALL RISE AND FALL AT YOUR DISCRETION NO MORE, BUTTHOLES!

REPENT! REPENT, YOU UNWASHED HEATHENS! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Man on street: "You are a man of ill repute! I shall dislocate your shoulders if ever I have the chance!"

These feculent infidels are sickening. A man takes the time to lean out his apartment window in the nude so he can scream about the world ending, and people insult him. What a sad world we live in. But at a time like this, when the world is hanging loosely on the end of its hourglass, there's only one thing to do . . .

Quick note: Guest column week was supposed to be next week, but I'm still looking for two more guest columns. Those of you want to submit one, please get it in quick.

I'm out of drinks, so here's a drunk. Today's a good day for drinking, isn't it? A good day to forget about your stress, to forget about your worries, and to forget about how some freak who likes women in hair rollers is posting comments about your mother in your website's forum. Yes, it's a drinking day indeed. Here's a simple one called "Absolutely Screwed".

1 part Orange juice
1 part Absolut Mandrin

You can substitute anything mandrin-flavored for the Absolut. I doubt it'll matter. From my experience, any alcoholic drink with orange juice in it automatically tastes like orange juice. You could probably add Bacardi 151 and raw sewage into it, and nothing would taste unusual.

Hey, I'm out of drink recipes again. Anybody have any good ones? I prefer recipes that don't require a lot of ingredients. That way everyone can try it.