Next week comes the guest columns; today comes the string of commentary sans the segways

When I say sans the segways, I mean it. No segways. No linking of ideas. I'll be jumping from "fun with kids at the petting zoo" to "how to lodge a balloon full of cocaine up your butt for airport travel" at a moment's notice. I just thought I'd warn you. Here we go.

Uno: Did you hear they found Saddam? Yes, it's true! He was running around your front yard without any pants on. The FBI would like to know just what the hell you were thinking.

Dos: I saw this billboard while driving home from work today. It just might be the most blunt public service message ever.

Tres: Speaking of Iraq (I purposely made sure not to put this after the Saddam joke, to keep with the "no segways" rule), I suppose the pro-war crowd is chomping at the bit for me to comment on the toppling of Baghdad, and all the happy Iraqi people. I will happily oblige.

Congratulations to our troops on taking Baghdad. I'm glad we've toppled Saddam and freed the Iraqi people. BUT. We have yet to find any weapons of mass destruction (I'm not sure how we could when we mistake fertilizer for serin and mustard gas), which is the main point of this war. If we fail to find weapons of mass destruction - a distinct possibility - then this conflict will have been useless in our war against terrorism.

Once again, I'm glad we freed the Iraqi people, but that was not our goal. Getting rid of terrorism has always been our goal. I've said from the start that North Korea is more of a threat, and that will continue to be true for as long as North Korea is creating plutonium. Chances are, President Bush won't be negotiating with them anytime soon, for fear that people would see it as a double standard. I certainly wouldn't see it as a double standard - I'd be applauding the decision loudly - but many people would. Hence, we'll sit around while they create and sell more plutonium, thereby making our war on terrorism a sad joke.

Hopefully, all of you reading this will realize that what we have now is a false sense of security and relief from winning a fast war. But we can't sit back and relax, like most people are planning to do. Our country is no safer from terrorism than it was six months ago.

Seeing how we haven't actually gotten rid of any terrorist groups yet, I wonder if the multi-colored "terror alert status" the government used will ever be heard from again. I'd guess not. Now that the war's over, the administration doesn't need to frighten the general public into neurosis anymore.

But once again, congratulations to the troops. They fought bravely, and as much as I disagree with the war, I'd hate to see them treated badly when they return home.

Quatro: Next week is the first-ever "guest columnist week" here at Daily Ramblings. I received six guest column submissions in all, which means I had to go on a "first come, first served" basis. The columnists will be:

• Aaron Brown (Editor of the Hibbing Daily Tribune. His column discusses how "The Man" destroyed radio, and why every town now has the same set of crappy radio stations. It's the only serious column submitted, and it's a damn good one.)
• Meghan Finley (College student who only took one cheap shot at me in her column. But my God, it's a horrible cheap shot.)
• Tom Heuer (Co-creator of this website's comic, "Mr. Cornelius Watercloset". He's included some more hilarious artwork in the column he submitted.)
• Kate Houlihan (Current editor at my old college paper. Her column talks about how she's a "cam whore". Now that's a topic we can all enjoy.)
• Ian Talty (In high school, this man was my comedy-writing comrade. Our humor features were so inappropriate, we almost got kicked off the newspaper staff . . . three times. No, seriously.)

As you can see, we have a great lineup for next week. These guest columns are all fantastic, and I think you'll be as surprised as I was at how good they are. As for me, I'll be taking a much-needed break. When I return a week from Monday, there will be a new talkback feature for my columns (Which will allow you to anonymously post comments below each day's column . . . the more blatant profanity and brutal sarcasm, the better.), as well as some other cool things I am not at liberty to discuss.

Next week will be exciting. My apologies to those of you who sent in guest columns, but weren't in time. Yours will be used next time (In six months or so). And for the rest of you, feel free to send in your own guest columns.

This is the Fresh Prince's new definition of summer madness. It's warm outside, and that means it's time to get wasted off a cool summer drink. If it's a summer booze mix you're seeking, a "Snow Blinder" will work perfectly.

2 oz. vodka
2 scoops vanilla ice cream
1 glass lemonade

Put the vodka and ice cream in a blender and blend them up. Then pour the lemonade on top. Damn, that's good stuff.