I am not a moose humper

You may have heard rumors, reader. You've probably been assured by gossipers and members of the media that these rumors they spread are true, but at the same time, these rumors probably sound and feel ridiculous to you. You're unsure what to think.

Well reader, I've always said if it sounds like an Algonkian Wendigo Trout, and it feels like an Algonkian Wendigo Trout, then it most likely is an Algonkian Wendigo Trout. Likewise, these rumors about me humping a moose are simply not true.

Sure, I have a history with mooses, or meese if you want to be grammatically correct. When I was in first grade, my family took a trip to Canada, where we were greeted on a hiking trail by a large moose. Luckily, we were able to escape without injury. If it had been an entire gaggle of meeses, my family and I might be dead. But either way, I certainly didn't hump that moose, so why would I hump other meeses?

Oh, and by "hiking trail", I mean "the heavily worn path the tour guide uses when giving tours to lame tourists". I wouldn't want anyone to get the impression that I actually enjoy going outdoors. People might invite me to do things involving exercise, and I hate that crap.

That brings up another good point. I'm a city boy. Why would a city boy want to hump a moose? Wouldn't I rather hump city animals, like rats and pigeons? Is this alleged moose humping supposed to be some sort of odd fetish? It's a bit outrageous, especially since everyone knows my preferred fetish is spooning with circus clowns in the trunk of my car. Let me tell ya, I have enough trouble trying to fulfill that desire without having to satisfy more fetishes.

I'm sure some of you have seen the doctored photo of me humping a moose. While it may look like a real photograph to the untrained eye, any professional could tell you it's fake. The sky just seems a little too blue in that photo, doesn't it? And I've never owned a shirt that color. And that beer looks like Rolling Rock, when I usually buy Leinenkugel's Red.

Besides, even if the photo is real, you can't actually see me humping the moose. I could just be standing behind it with my pants down. The woods are unfamiliar to me, and often I find myself wondering where the restrooms are located. Sometimes using a moose to block the view of others is the only privacy a man can get while doing his business. And as you can see in the picture - which is definitely not real, by the way - my idea to ensure my privacy was well thought out. A photographer was lurking about, and if not for my clever idea of hiding behind the moose, there would have been pictures of my private genitalia all over the tabloids.

Hypothetically, that is. As I said, the picture isn't real.

If I were Dave Barry, I would probably take a sentence or two to point out how "private genitalia" would be a great name for a band. But I don't do crap like that.

So if it was me in that picture - which it wasn't - it wouldn't be me humping the moose, it would be me peeing on the moose. Or, I mean, me peeing underneath the moose. No! I mean, me peeing near the moose. Yeah, that's it.

Either way, it doesn't matter. I'm not running for office. I have nothing to lose from these lies. But if you want some dirt on someone who is running for office, I do hear some freaky things about Joe Lieberman. Freaky things involving meeses.