Tell your children how freakin' wonderful they are

As I sit here on Sunday night, writing this column and watching the rain fall outside my window, there are children being influenced by what I write. They are reading my work and laughing, memorizing the semi-raunchy phrases for use in their daily lives. With every drop of rain that splashes on the street, another child is introduced to the world of Paul Ryan. It's a dream I never even realized I wanted, reader, but now that I've achieved it, I feel wonderful.

In fact, I feel freakin' wonderful.

Richard Thomas, editor of the Reader Weekly (the alternative-weekly paper in Duluth, Minn. that publishes my columns) sent me an e-mail last week. It seems one of the newspaper's writers says her kids have adopted "Holy Crap! I'm freakin' wonderful!" as their new catch phrase. If you don't remember, that phrase was used in a fictitious autobiography I printed in the Reader Weekly's April fool's day issue. The article was also posted on this website a while ago, in the Thursday Surprise section.

Anyway, these wonderful children - whom I have never met, but now think of as my own precious darlings - have apparently been spreading "Holy Crap! I'm freakin' wonderful!" around the school playground. The youngest kid got in trouble for saying it to a teacher. Soon, the phrase will be sweeping the nation, and kids everywhere will look to me as a role model. If you're a regular reader of this column, you're probably slapping yourself in the forehead and cursing at the thought of such a thing. But fear not, reader. I am the perfect man for our nation's children to idolize.

Think of how useful this could be. When your children don't want to take a bath, you can tell them that I enjoy baths daily. When your children don't want to eat their broccoli, you can tell them, "Paul Ryan eats his broccoli. He likes the taste so much, sometimes he chews a single piece of broccoli all day without swallowing." When your children don't want to go to the store and buy you a pack of smokes, you can tell them . . . um . . . well, maybe you should buy your own smokes. But nevertheless, my icon status will come in handy.

My transition from a humor columnist to a modern-day Elvis Presley is nearly complete. Much how teachers in the 1950s prohibited students from gyrating their hips while dancing, teachers today are prohibiting students from saying "Holy crap! I'm freakin' wonderful!" while using the teeter-totter. Just like Elvis, I can now gain 200 lbs and die sitting on a toilet, knowing I've contributed my part to popular culture.

I know some of you read this column only because you hate me, and are looking for more reasons to hate me (Howard Stern syndrome). You probably think I'm a jerk who is corrupting today's youth. But am I really corrupting them? Let's look at the situation more closely.

Sure, "Holy crap! I'm freakin' wonderful!" includes the word "freakin'" in it, but so do popular songs by Usher and Justin Timberlake. But while those perverts are talking about "freakin' a lady", I'm promoting good self-esteem. You have to look at the phrase's overall message. How often does a youthful trend - or anything portrayed as "cool" - include a message promoting such positive thinking? Every time a child says "Holy crap! I'm freakin' wonderful!", they're convincing themselves of just how freakin' wonderful they really are.

Research shows that kids who think of themselves as freakin' wonderful are more likely to be happy and well adjusted when they grow up. While such an effect means less business for psychiatrists and crack dealers, it's good for the rest of us. Think of how wonderful - or rather, how freakin' wonderful - it will be to know that the money you send your college kids won't be spent on therapy or hardcore narcotics. That's piece of mind that any parent can enjoy, reader.

So embrace this new trend. Thank your lucky stars that the children have me, Paul Ryan, as a role model. And when your children come home from school today, I want you to look them in the eye, smile, and say, "Holy crap. You're freakin' wonderful."