Oh no! Here comes the . . . wait, never mind. It's just the Navy

This is a very special column. Imagine, for a moment, that I am wearing a tuxedo. I have never worn a tuxedo in my life, but that's how special this column is. Why is it so special? Because printed in this column is the absolute dumbest letter I have ever received. And the title of dumbest letter doesn't just go to one letter, it goes to four. It's a tie, for Christ's sake.

About a week ago, I received an e-mail from a guy whose e-mail address was at "taylor.navy.mil". Obviously, this is someone stationed with the USS Taylor in the Navy. I was almost impressed until I saw that his e-mail was about the most racist and ignorant thing I had ever read. Not only that, but his spelling was bad enough where he could easily lose a third grade spelling bee by a landslide.

After searching my visitor logs, I determined that this guy had probably become angry after seeing my "War sucks" sticker in the freebies section. After searching through my visitor logs some more, I found that this guy had actually found my page by searching on Yahoo for - get this - "wine 'em, dine 'em, 69 'em hats". That was the exact search term he typed in. There's no way I can top that with a joke. The reality is too funny by itself.

But as I said before, the e-mailing didn't stop with the first guy, because that first guy also encouraged two of his friends to visit the site and send me crude messages. These guys were just as dumb - if not dumber - than the original guy. And that's saying a lot.

So let's get to the e-mails I received from these guys, our Navy's finest. I won't even put comments after each e-mail, because the e-mails alone make the guys look dumber than I ever could. I would especially like you to notice how the second guy was holding back in his first letter - a somewhat polite message - and how he let loose with his real personality in his second letter.

Just to warn you ahead of time, these letters are horrific. I edited the letters by using asterisks to bleep out some of the words, and by replacing one really racist word with an explanation in parenthesis. But other than that, these e-mails are "as is". There are many things I wanted to bleep but couldn't, because doing so might keep you from understanding how horrible these guys really are. So there are still some really bad things in there.

But enough from me. Enjoy the parade of stupidity, courtesy of the US Navy:

Letter 1
from jgabbard@taylor.navy.mil

your website is the most pathetic peice of sh*t i've ever seen.i would rather gouge out my own eyes with a red hot poker--you are a f**king loser.i have a idea for what i would do with your dads 66 dollars--i would pay the biggest (n-word) i could find to ass f**k you until you bleed, and kick you in the nuts until you puke.eat sh*t motherf**ker.eat sh*t.your stickers are not even worthy to be stuck on the walls of a gay jack off booth. your not funny, I know closet homosexuals that are funnier than you, queer. For further reference see your parents website on " abortions gone wrong and their consequenses" you nazi flag waving redneck,inbred,skinhead, jewish drug dealer that gets his rocks off watching old people f**k in the second story of a chinese sweat shop, where they make the wine'em dine'em sixty-nine'em hats, you peice of shit white trash trannie. EAT SH*T!!

Letter 2
from mloy@taylor.navy.mil

Hi Paul my name is Mike and I was referd to your website by some friends of mine, I think your very intelligent, but you waste your time with stupid jokes why dont you try to be a little funnier you moron, i would rather punch you in the face than have a conversation with you.
Your buddy Mike

Letter 3
also from mloy@taylor.navy.mil

paul,
first of all who the f**k are you to e-mail someone who you dont even know, and second of all you gay bastard to ensure you keep your comments to yourself why dont you fill your mouth with a big hairy d**k, and make sure to cup the balls while you're at it. i dont appreciate some cum guzzling homo sending me e-mails when he is in fact the ass licker. and another thing, i bet you celebrate jew week, so keep your faggot ass rye bread to yourself you dreidel spinner.

Letter 4
from cstrickland@taylor.navy.mil

f**kface,
you're "ramblings" are painful to read. it would cause me less pain to stick my balls in a vice and crank it down until they explode than to read your hunk of sh*t you call "ramblings". here's an erotic story for ya, you getting assraped by a bunch of f**king fags you cum dumpster. why don't you stop writing and start sucking di*k you f**king nutsack wanna be. i am now stupider for having read that f**king horsesh*t you f**king no talent waste of space. it is very evident your father is a retard of some nature and probably raped a cornerstore hooker. low and behold we have you, a retarded sperm cell that somehow made it past the abortion your whore mother tried to have. you should kill yourself now and spare us anymore of this pain.
thank you

Having read these letters, don't you agree that they're more sad than funny? Isn't it pathetic that some people actually live with these racist and homophobic thoughts in their heads? Of course, I realize that these guys are an exception, and that the majority of those enlisted in the Navy are good people. But still, I mean, Jesus Christ. I spent the first part of this column being funny, but I think it's better to end this column on a sober note.

Wednesday Music Spotlight. Yesterday, NoFX's new album came out. As usual, it's fantastic. I shouldn't even need to explain this band to anyone. So I won't. Here's the song.