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Acknowledgements ...................Paul Ryan
First, I'd like to thank my research assistant, Hubert Finklestein IV, who spent his entire Saturday night gathering the information I needed for this column. Boy, did I work him hard. I almost feel partly responsible for his girlfriend sleeping with two other guys that night. Or, rather, two other guys at the same time. Of course, the two guys were my brother and my best friend, so Hubert was a little upset with me. It also probably didn't help that as they were leaving with Hubert's girlfriend, I made a thrusting motion with my groin and told my brother to "have a good time and enjoy himself". But hey, Hubert's girlfriend is hot, so it was stupid of him not to go with her. It's not like I held a gun to his head and screamed at him to keep working. And even if I did hold a gun to his head and scream at him to keep working, should he have let that get in his way? Of course not. Hubert was being selfish. What a jerk he is. But let's get back to the acknowledgments. Today's column wouldn't have succeeded without the help of my agent, Tony Bateman, who promotes my columns in a way that brings in a large amount of readers. I pay him almost $12,000 a year, but the 35 visitors who read these columns every day are well worth it. Which reminds me, if all of you who visit could please donate around $342 each, that would really be great. There's one person I haven't mentioned who I probably should have thanked first. My wife, Fanny, is a wonderful woman who has stood by me since the start. I still remember the first day we met, at that drug treatment program. She was badly hooked on cocaine, and was thin as a rail. Of course, now that she's sober, she's ballooned to 314 lbs, but that is what helped me most when writing today's column. If she were thin, I probably would have had some sort of desire to have sex with her, but since she's not and I don't, I've been able to spend a lot of time working. I'd thank our kids, but we abandoned them in the restroom of an International House of Pancakes in Dresser, WI. So obviously, the had nothing to do with today's column. One of the people I'm most thankful for is artist Tom Dundee, who did the illustrations for today's column. Without his help, this column would have been nothing more than words on a white background. I especially enjoyed the illustration that accompanied paragraph two. Hubert was a little upset that after all his trauma, I had an artist come in and resurrect his girlfriend's infidelity in a visual form. But to hell with Hubert. He's already had three paragraphs dedicated to him in these acknowledgements, and I'm not going to waste any more time on a whiny loser who can't even satisfy his girlfriend. Last but certainly not least, I'd like to thank my parents. If not for my mom drinking, smoking, and dropping acid while pregnant with me, I'd probably be a boring speechwriter for the president of our country right now. My dad "accidentally" running over my head with his car when I was seven years old also helped dumb me down enough to write the fine poo humor you read in all my columns. I also learned a lot of discipline from the time he shot me in the leg with a pistol for talking to him while the TV was on. Thanks, dad. Next time, I'll make sure to shut my mouth when "Will & Grace" is on. Since there's no one left to thank, I'll close by reminding you to buy my new book, The Best of Daily Ramblings, which hit bookstores last month.
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Today's column was a difficult one to write, and I certainly didn't do it alone. The fine prose you are now reading required the work of many people, and I hope I don't forget to thank anyone.
