That there John Edwards don't look like no Demmycrat

I dunno 'bout that new presidential candidate John Edwards. He says he a Demmycrat, but his hairstyle looks Republican to me! Look at it. It be all combed to the side, lookin' like a round hairy bowl. I reckon that hairstyle done been ripped off from Bob Costas!

No siree, I dunno 'bout that Edwards fella. He says he started with humble beginnings moppin' the floor at his pa's textile mill in Robbins, NC. Said he was moppin' in the weavin' room. I reckon he was cleanin' up after ladies who be stitchin' things. I like ladies who be stitchin' things. Reminds me of Agatha, God rest 'er soul. This Edwards fella says his pa done worked at that textile factory for 36 years, and he know the poor man's troubles. That sounds nice an' all, but I still don't reckon I like his hairstylin'.

I read 'bout that there Edwards fella yesterday in the monkey papers. He been sayin' President Bush been givin' our moneys to them rich folk, and he's a gonna stop it. I reckon I like that. He says he gonna get rid of some of them lousy tax cuts and get us outta this debt. I reckon I'm much obliged to that, too. That Edwards gent also say he gonna give health care for little kiddies everywhere. I reckon that's mighty responsible of 'em, seein' how kissin' them babies ain't never gonna do as much good as givin' them babies medicine to keep the yellow fever at bay. But gosh dangit to heck, why he hafta have that darn Republican haircut? No sir, I don't trust it. No sir.

My boy Wilbur ain't never been to no college. He worked harder and harder to save enough money, but he only make five nickels for every dime he spend on food and sassafrassin' with the ladies. Maybe if Wilbur went to one of them learnin' buildings, he could wrassle up some Pampers for me, so I don't gotta dry my dungarees in the sun so often. Edwards says he gonna try to make the first year of college free for kids who workin'. That would mean my Wilbur could get his degree in pig breedin'. Just don't go impregnatin' them pigs yerself now Wilbur, y'hear! Ha heh! Ha HEH HEEEHHH!

But if you do, Wilbur, don't feel bad. There ain't no shame in that. We all done it.

I like them things that Edwards fella be sayin' about gettin' my boy in them learnin' buildings. But I just can't vote for no Republican haircut. It give me the willie-nillies like you ain't never seen. No sir, that hairstylin' be bad news.

What if the hairstylin' takes over his mind, and after we done elect 'em, he starts givin' tax cuts to the rich folk? Didn't y'all see that episode of The Simpsons where Homer done gets a hairpiece made from the hair of that criminal fella, Snake? The hair takes over and Homer done turn evil. Then the hair goes on its own and tries to shoot ol' Homer. I can't vote for no man whose hair be liable to take aim. No sir. Wouldn't be right.

No siree, I don't want no repeat of when I voted for that Aaron J. Brown fella for county board last year. He done had the same hairstyle as this John Edwards, and the same bright ideas for runnin' things, too. But then them local media folks found Aaron J. Brown fuckin' a platypus. After studyin' it for myself, I done reckon he was a platypus fucker all the time, 'stead of just lately, like he was claimin'. So John Edwards, y'all can just go to hell, you no good platypus fuckin' summa bitch! Burn in hell platypus fucker! Fuckin' a pig be one thing, but you don't even know what them platypuses got. Platypus fuckin' just ain't right.

Wednesday Music Spotlight. Johnny Cash died last week, and if you're going to do a tribute to him, you'd sure as hell better play something different. Playing his overplayed country bar stuff wouldn't do him justice. So here's an excellent old song called "Get Rhythm".

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Reader Comments

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aaronjbrown@yahoo.com                      Bec      Sep 18, 2003 • 6:32am   Aaron, don't you love how Paul C. Ryan HAS to use your middle initial? We might think it's a different Aaron Brown otherwise...like that reporter on TV. TractorInc      Sep 17, 2003 • 4:35pm   Nice pick of the Cash. That man is one bad ass mo fo. Aaron J. Brown      Sep 17, 2003 • 4:14pm   You've got what, like four readers. So you start attacking them by name. Nice. The platypus and I are just friends and you know that. I was helping the platypus prepare for an important job interview after working hours and that's all. Katers      Sep 17, 2003 • 2:05pm   I like his hairstyle . . .

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