Gary George is an Inebriated Son of a Bitch
(as told to me by Tony)

Gary George is running for Wisconsin governor next election, and it makes me sick. This is a man who looks like Al Roker. This is a man whose mildly retarded (window licker) staff members forgot to make sure his billboards were created right. Yes, he was all over the news the day his billboards were posted . . . upside down.

I interviewed Gary George once. I knew I would find him large and weatherman-esque. I knew he would be wearing the same boring suit that he was wearing in his picture, and I knew his campaign manager would be ugly, annoying, and reeking of goddamn cigar smoke. And I knew that I had gotten it easy.

But Tony didn’t. No, college newspaper reporter Tony Carr probably expected to meet your average politician. Fat, ugly and deep voiced, with arms like a small woman. Granted, Tony and George were talking over the phone, but nonetheless, he probably expected it when he saw the upside-down billboard of what he thought was Al Roker, but which he later realized to be Gary George.

Tony expected all these things, but he probably still never expected George to be inebriated while talking to him on the phone. But I did.

.....

I wasn’t surprised at all. Hell, if my mildly retarded (Jerry’s kids) campaign workers put my picture up all over town the wrong way, I’d be calling college journalists drunk and talking about my sexual cravings for pre-cosmetic surgery Cher, too.

Okay, Tony never really told me what George talked about. But I’m willing to bet that, like the most of us, he liked Cher before she had half her entire ass transplanted to various features on her face. We all do. Except Sonny Bono. Sonny's dead and most likely indifferent to his former wife's unfortunate "kicked in the temples by mules" facelift.

I originally had that written as "kicked in the temples by a mule", but I went back and edited it. There had to be more than one mule.

But what can we really assume about a thinner, yet still uglier, version of Al Roker who has campaign issues on his website like, “Every senior counts” (We all know they don’t. We stuff them in nursing homes and push them and their groceries onto the ground in the intersection when they smile at us) and “Making Education Work”, with “Hi-tech schools” as an example (Kids learn so much better when the computers have speakers and faster pornography downloads).

George does have some good qualities, though. For the ladies out there, Gary’s interests include: “federal, state and local government, tax law and reform," and "corporate law and procedure.” God, doesn’t he just make you want to hump a dry box of plain-flavored oatmeal?

In a list of his other accomplishments, it’s mentioned that George was also in the Wisconsin Special Olympics. He was a board member. Or maybe he was just special.

Or maybe he rode the Corky bus to school (the Corky bus is for window lickers and mildly retarded kids).

The “What they say about Gary” portion of the site wasn’t working when I visited it, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what “people say about Gary George"--the same thing they say about Gary, Indiana--hard to miss, though you'll wish you had. Ironic as it is, though, the picture gallery portion of George's site has a photo of him teaching kids to paint, with the link to this picture reading exactly like this: “GARY HELPING FUTURE POLITICIANS LEAR HOW TO PRINT CLEARLY”. Absolutely stellar.

Unfortunately, there’s a sad part to this. That sad part is that George is a democrat. I’m a hardcore liberal, just like him. Well, I'm a stubborn and proud man, but I’ll admit defeat. I know when to admit my party’s low moments. I know when Al Roker is better-looking than I am. I know when $10,000 of my campaign advertising has been hung upside-down. Now excuse me, I’m going to go drink a pint of vodka and give Tony a call.