Tips for being a lousy reporter

Tip #1: If someone is mean to you, or makes you angry, punch them in the face. When they punch you back, take a picture of them while they're doing it. Then publish it in the paper under the headline, "Coward punches defenseless reporter". Write an editorial to accompany the photo, and use it to lightly hint that stronger members of the community should go beat the person up.

This tip can also be used for enemies in your personal life, and don't worry about using it too often. The more pictures you publish of you getting punched in the face, the better chance you'll have of becoming famous. Roughly 65% of today's celebrities are people who really deserve to be punched in the face.

Tip #2: Once a reporter gets into the higher levels of journalism, they may find people trying to bribe them. Some people bribe with money, while others bribe with a free meal or tickets to a sporting event. Most reporters are dumb, and would refuse such gifts, because they don't realize that the bribe doesn't count unless you actually do what the briber asks. If you take the bribe and don't do what they want, they'll learn a little lesson about what happens to dishonest people, and you'll learn a little lesson about how to steal money from a dishonest dumbass.

Tip #3: Some people, especially older folks, don't want to be interviewed for the news. Some of them are embarrassed, or don't want to be seen as complainers, or don't want to be bothered, or are running from outstanding warrants.

People who refuse interviews can be persuaded with the use of careful, polite physical beatings. If you're a television reporter, make sure to break their ribs instead of their face, so they'll still look normal on camera. If, by some chance, you accidentally beat the person to death, then that's just another story you'll scoop the competition on, because you'll be first on the scene!

Tip #4: Nothing, and I mean nothing, will help you more than learning something from the reporters of the past. Finding out the history of one's profession is very important, and many of the methods reporters used back then are still good today. For instance, if I hadn't studied the history of journalism, I never would have realized how great it is to get plastered at lunch and stumble back to the office to write my articles.

Tip #5: Always include small bits of political bias in your writing. We all know journalism is full of nothing but liberal bias (actually, while there has been bad reporting here and there, it has hurt both political parties equally. But hey, we're not here to do research or provide facts. We're reporters!), which is why I always include subtle and sometimes subliminal liberal propaganda in every article I write.

If you look at the last article I wrote, about changes to the city's recycling plan, you'll see that if you read the first letter from each paragraph, they combine to say "Reagan is gay".

This is the third day in a row I haven't been able to think up an ending for a column. This is becoming a bad habit. I think I've thought of a solution, though. Hibbing Tribune columnist Aaron J. Brown reads this column pretty early each morning, so maybe he could just post one of his trademark clever ending lines in the comments section below. I hate to put him on the spot like this, but it kind of fits in with today's column, since "making other reporters look bad so you'll look good" is another tip I forgot to mention earlier.

5/5 column rating (4 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1 2 3

pokwang_ugly_duckling@yahoo.com        aaronjbrown@yahoo.com                             ww.poliyu.com               pokwang      Jan 17, 2006 • 1:39pm   SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ana poliyu      Jan 17, 2006 • 1:35pm   I don't want your website I don't learn about punching other people its a bad conduct.you know that I'm really behave in school and don't fight at my classmates. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

page:   1 2 3