Low-carb splooge burgers

You know the Atkins diet fad has hit its peak when Burger King starts offering Whoppers without buns. If eunuchs were the new fad, I'm sure McDonalds would start offering castration kits in Happy Meals . . . and man, would that ever be a long day for the employees who sweep the floors.

You probably have a lot of questions about this bunless burger. Questions like, "What's the point, when the bun is the only thing thick enough to fill me up anyway?", or "Does it cost less, since you get less actual food?", or "Do they actually cook these burgers, since there won't be a bun there to hide the fact that the burger is cold?"

While I assure you that the Burger King CEO's answer to all these questions is a resounding "Dear God no, what the hell is wrong with you!", I've thought of one question no one has asked yet. It's one of those questions that, when you hear it, you'll wonder why you didn't think to ask it first. So here it is: burgers without the buns are supposed to be low in carbs, but what about the tightly coiled piles of feces Burger King mixes in their burgers? Are those low-carb as well?

Call me gross, call me disgusting. Call me an immature child if you want, but it's still a perfectly valid question. In order to stay true to the low-carb diet, people not only need to know the amount of carbs in the food, they also need to know the amount of carbs in the stuff the public isn't supposed to know is in the food.

What about the semen Burger King's employees squirt on the burgers? Is that low-carb sperm, or are we taking the risk of our burger being ejaculated on by some guy who eats potato chips all day? Laugh all you want, but I'm being serious. These are real world things dieters need to consider.

What about spit? Is spit low-carb? What about urine? Do carbs pass through the urethra? What about snot? Does the size of the booger make a difference in the amount of carbs? What about vomit? God knows Burger King employees are hungover - and sometimes still drunk - while working. If the vomiting drunkard drank Miller Lite, will his vomit have 1.8 less grams of carbs than if he drank Coors Light? This is serious stuff.

Come to think of it, I don't just want an answer. I want a flow chart that shows the exchange rate for the different kinds of foreign substances on the burgers. Preferably one with funny pictures of Burger King employees barfing, blowing snot, urinating, spitting, and masturbating on all the different types of burgers. If you won't do it, Burger King, I'm sure your competition will. I'll bet Wendy's will do it. They're so desperate for business, the managers would probably blow you for super-sizing your meal.

I'm sorry, that was wrong. Wendy's managers don't blow customers . . . but only because no one would ever want them to.

Either way, I want answers on the rest of this stuff, Burger King. Otherwise, I'm going to think about eating somewhere that doesn't suck, and let's face it, neither of us wants that.

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