A Special Educational Experience From Dr. Steven Goodspeed

Hello and welcome. Today on daily Ramblings, we have a special guest. His name is Dr. Steven Goodspeed (pictured at right).

You see, once a month we are forced by law to provide some sort of educational learning experience, otherwise we lose our grant from the state of Wisconsin. By coincidence, we are also required by law to have one mentally or physically handicapped person on the payroll.

As you can see from his picture, Dr. Goodspeed is obviously a perfect match for us. He is a graduate of the prestigious Richfield High School in Richfield, Minn., and was given an honorary doctorate degree from Normandale Community College in Bloomington, Minn.

Now, if you’ll all please sit up straight in your chairs, put your things away, and pay attention, I’ll turn the column over to Dr. Goodspeed. Doctor?

Thank you, Paul. It is with great orgasmic pleasure that I am here today. Usually I just fiddle with my things at home, but today I get to show my goods to you fine people. What a rise for me.

I am a man who enjoys collecting scientific artifacts. There are many things that could qualify as scientific artifacts, but my favorite scientific artifacts are the kind of scientific artifacts that might be considered a little strange, as far as scientific artifacts go.

In short, I collect things related to pooping.

(Hold for applause)

Our first specimen is fossilized poop. It looks like a Baby Ruth bar, but instead of costing 65 cents, it costs millions of dollars of your hard-earned taxpayer dollars to find and maintain. Also, a Baby Ruth bar tastes good, while this fossilized poo tastes bland at best. Here is a photograph.

While you may think that scientists are interested in nothing but live or fossilized bodily wastes, you are wrong. I also happen to be a lover of fine art. In this next photo, we have an artistic rendition of a cat. Enjoy this artistic treasure for a moment.

Notice how the man has chicken toes and only three fingers on each hand. Also notice how the cat is three times the size of the man's head, and apparently has no front paws, merely pegs like a pirate.

In closing, I’d like to take this time to thank Paul Ryan for bringing me here. I’d also like to wish Paul’s brother, Mike Ryan, a happy birthday. Mike is 46 years old today, and he sure looks terrible for his age. His face looks like someone pooed all over it, which intrigues me greatly and makes me want to study it and place large photos of it in this column.

In closing, also remember that PSHFP needs 30 visitors today in order to keep from having Celine Dion music hidden in various areas on the site. This is unfortunate. As thoroughly disgusting as my love for poo is, it is nothing compared to the utter s**t which that horrible bitch vomits from her mouth. Thank you.

In closing, I'm done talking now. Thank you.

No, thank you, Steven. Dr. Steven Goodspeed, everyone! Let’s give him a big round of applause. And then give a round of applause to my brother, Mike, who IS actually celebrating a birthday today. This column was for him. He probably won’t even read it. That’s okay, though, because Dr. Steven Goodspeed is planning to s**t in his bed.