Herb Bergson is hot

Note: Singer/songwriter Haley Bonar has written a letter to the Reader Weekly - the Duluth newspaper that syndicates my columns - because she was upset about my June 18 column, "Laura Ness is hot". While I still stand by the column as a quality piece of satire, I'm a huge fan of Haley's, and agree with her that "there would never be an article about how good-looking a male politician is."

With that in mind, today I will fulfill Haley's request. After looking through all the photos I could find of Duluth's hunkiest male politicians, I've decided the most underrated hunk in Duluth is Mayor Herb Bergson. Today's column will be written for the ladies, so they too can join the fun. I hope this sets things right, Haley. Enjoy!

I love Herb Bergson, but I fear none of you will be able to understand. It's not just mere admiration of another person. I love him Herb like a slobbering, shaggy german shepherd in heat loves a naked leg. If one could tattoo another's name directly on their heart, my heart would loudly throb "Hunky Herby" with every beat. He is my love. He is my obsession. He is my sugar bumpkin, my snuggle bunny, my baby snookums.

It's not just in a platonic, "Hey dude, not in that way" sort of way that I love Herb. It's not one of those, "I don't look at dudes in the shower, but I accidentally looked at that dude, and it was like, whoa" kinds of things. If I saw Herb Bergson in the shower, believe you me, I'd be looking for it. Herb Bergson is hot. He is my dimple pudding monkey, and I will love him forever.

Holy crap, is he ever freakin' hot! He's hotter than hot, and I don't want to hear otherwise. I don't care if your politics differ from his, or if you think he made a wrong decision somewhere down the line. Do wrong decisions matter when you look at that big gray wave of voluptuous hair? Does anything matter when you see his puffy little face? Herb Bergson makes Duluth a better place despite his rights or wrongs, because his lusciousness exudes across the land, oozing into every pore of the city to make even the most offensive items deliciously sexy.

See that bum over there, sitting by the Lakewalk asking people for cigarettes? He's delicious. Do you know why? It's because he's in Duluth, so he has a touch of sexy Herb Bergson about him. The entire city has become submerged in Herb, and the sensation feels like all of us in Duluth are on the ground writhing in pleasure, screaming, "OH HERB BERGSON! YESSSS! DON'T STOP, HERBY BABY! NEVER! STOP! LEGISLATING! OHHHHHHHHHH!"

Don't vote for Herb because he shares your views. Vote for him because he's freakin' hot. Why do you think most of the city council members ran for office? They were all extremely disappointed to find out city hall doesn't have a community shower room. I don't blame them.

Creamy white buttocks.

What? Oh, I'm sorry! I was thinking about Herb. If you love me back, Herby, wear a yellow tie to let me know. Hear me now, Duluth! If you ever see my Hunky Herby Bergy wearing a yellow tie, it means he's expressing his love for me, so hands off!

I love you too, Herb. To hell with any other attachments to significant others you may have. You are mine, and I am yours. The world is ours, and we can conquer it together, Herby. Herby derby. Herby cuddlecakes. Sugar buns. Sweet cheeks. Honey muffin. Punkin' butt. My sweet baboo.

I'll be waiting by the phone for your call, Herb Bergeson. Don't disappoint me, you goddamn sexy bastard.

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Reader Comments

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Dani      Dec 12, 2005 • 7:03pm   your a hoot!! just hilarious!! Love Herb      Aug 16, 2005 • 9:44am   Am I the only one thinking he IS hot? :-)) Cholly      Jul 2, 2004 • 3:17am   The letter really makes the column. What a tight-ass! Haley must have been potty trained at gunpoint. Katers      Jul 2, 2004 • 12:17am   This column made my day. Especially the "sweet baboo" part. Excellent Sally/Linus reference. MrEnthusiasm      Jul 1, 2004 • 8:40pm   "Dimple pudding monkey..." Ha! Scapegoat      Jul 1, 2004 • 6:04pm   I've got one! Haley is a Boner for...

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