E-mails, Comments, Clarifications, and Random Complaints From Readers

First off, I’ll have to apologize for tomorrow’s column in advance, for I might be a little late getting it up (insert Viagra joke here). You see, I have to drive all the way to Minneapolis for a ten-minute consultation with my dentist, who will tell me that I need all four wisdom teeth removed and that my insurance doesn’t cover a goddamn dime of it.

I don’t care, though. The lot of you (except for a few of you, who promised me free Dairy Queen) can sit and spin on my thumb for all I care. What does it really matter? I could sit here uploading pictures of my scrotum to the server, and no one would notice the difference. And after driving all the way back here to La Crosse just so I can slave all night on a column and then go to work again Thursday morning, I just might.

I’m sorry, was that bitter? Freaking dentist.

Well, it’s a good thing I’m bitter, because it’s time to open letters! Our mailbag here at daily Ramblings is so chock full of correspondence from mindless assholes that it’s only right that I publicly ridicule them.

God, I’m anxious. Let’s get to it.

Victim number one is not actually a fan of this website, per se. In fact, I’m sure she downright hates the website, me, and the ads I submit for her to edit. Her name is SJ, and she’s works for a weekly alternative newspaper in Duluth, Minn., called the Ripsaw.

I used to love the Ripsaw. But since they decided to kick out legendary columnist Paul Lundgren, I could give a big shit about what they think. Anyway, the kiosk is a classified section in the Ripsaw which allows people to submit a 40-word-or-less ad for free. Apparently, mine was a little too long this week. So here’s what SJ of Duluth, Minn. had to say:

Hey, your ad is 4 words too long this week, but since I'm lazy, I'm putting it in. Consider yourself warned now, though. Next time I will not be so lazy. Next time I might skip it completely. Count your words.

Wow. Is that one of those “power trips” that people keep talking about? Apparently, SJ (even her initials suck) believes her ability to count up to 40 gives her God-like power that no man or beast shall dare trifle with.

“I am SJ, lord and gatekeeper of the kiosk! What’s this? What the hell is this?!? Forty-FOUR words?!? UNACCEPTABLE!”

SJ (even dumber the second time you hear it), I apologize. You’re just too powerful to mess with. I mean, working for an alternative weekly newspaper and making full use of all initials given to you kind of automatically makes you non-mainstream and cooler than everyone else, doesn’t it? How could I have been so foolish? Forgive me.

Oh, and SJ? By the way, I hate to have to mention this, but your e-mail reply that you sent back to me was one word too long. I like to keep bitchy responses to 40 words or less. I’m sure you understand. Next time, be sure to count your words.

Okay, I had another e-mail to print, but that last one took up a lot of room. Hey, I’ve got an idea, though. Why not send your own e-mail to me? Wouldn’t that be cool?

If I don’t start getting some e-mails, I’ll have no choice but to spring a pop quiz on all of you. Then, if you get answers wrong because you haven’t been reading the column (don’t deny it; you haven’t), you’ll be forced to walk around wearing a star on your sleeve that says, “DISAPPOINTING TO EVERYONE I COME IN CONTACT WITH.” So go ahead and take your chances. Or just e-mail me with my fast and easy response form by clicking the link below.