Look out Nintendo, here's some video games of my own

Video games today aren't stupid enough. I'm stupid, and damn it, I deserve games that match my subpar, Corey Haim-like intelligence. Back in the day, there were plenty of stupid video games. We had "Cheetahmen 2", "Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom", and "Color A Dinosaur", a game where you . . . um . . . well, you colored a goddamn dinosaur. And when you got bored with coloring that dinosaur, boy howdy, you colored it again and liked it!

We also had "Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers 2", a title which implied that people actually found a previous game based on gay chipmunks entertaining enough to warrant a sequel.

These days, most video games are complicated and require some form of patience, intelligence, or perverted obsession with computer-generated whores who play volleyball. Sports games require players to manage the team's finances, and do other boring stuff accountants get paid to do every day. Battle games require math and thinking, two things few people have ever cared for. Role-playing games require players to sacrifice their girlfriend, social life, and sanity in order to complete the game before the next version comes out.

Since I have no girlfriend, social life, or sanity, it makes me wonder why I haven't bought any role-playing games.

Luckily, there's still one person out there making games for Corey Haim, and that person is me. Well, I'm not actually making the games, I'm just coming up with the ideas. And granted, most of my ideas probably aren't legal or appropriate, but that's the developers' problem, not mine. Also, I'm completely unwilling to cooperate with anyone who does have the ambition to make these games for me, even if I get all the credit. So basically, today's column is just a bunch of bullshit.

But just for fun, let's look at my games, which are way better than any games you'd think up, you lazy-eyed Pollock bastard.

Sim Veterinarian

Sim games are interesting, but they have one flaw. You can't do anything that's actually fun. There's no nudity, no intricate sexual maneuvers, no diarrhea attacks, and no gruesome slaughtering of other characters. "Sim Veterinarian" will not solve all these problems, but it will allow you to slaughter animals. You can choose to be a kind veterinarian or a sadistic, masochistic one. That annoying kitty kat is meowing! What should you do? Soothe it by petting it, or put it to sleep? Part of the fun of putting an animal to sleep is you get to do so using a hunting rifle, as God himself intended veterinarians to do.

Election 2004

A combination of early 1980s text-based games and modern Madden football games, "Election 2004" allows you to control a candidate's run for the White House at every step. Choose from many different unethical mud-slinging campaign styles. New in this latest version is the option to rig the election by having your brother, the governor of Florida, throw out all the votes cast by negroes.

Flatulence Film

Have you ever been to a movie that's so boring or geared towards chicks that you have trouble staying awake? In a situation like that, the best thing to do is ruin the moviegoing experience for everyone else in the theater. With "Flatulence Film", you can do just that. Two old ladies are seated in front of you, and it's your job to fart loudly during the quietest and most emotional parts of the film. Did Leonardo DiCaprio just die in Kate Winslet's arms during "Titanic"? Wait until you hear sobbing, and then rip a thunderous fart that drowns out the teary-eyed old ladies and ruins the entire moment. Are Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore doing romantic pottery together in "Ghost"? A few moments before the classic scene begins, let loose some horrendously stinky beefers in all directions. Your goal is to give people no choice but to physically leave the theater during the scene.

Paul's Life

It's Friday night, and much like Leisure Suit Larry games from the past, "Paul's Life" lets you control humor columnist Paul Ryan's zany night! Of course, Paul doesn't leave the house much, get many women, or do anything all that exciting, so your options are rather limited. Essentially, you just drink while watching TV. You can pretty much just leave the game on demo mode the whole time. Actually, you might just want to rent this one instead of actually buying it.

Pretend Lesbian

You're a girl, but you're unsure of yourself in today's world of high standards. You're pretty, but are you pretty enough to get the best guys around? The only way to be sure you'll get the entire football team drooling over you is to get drunk and pretend to be a lesbian. In "Pretend Lesbian", you'll get to use such cunning moves as "Kiss another girl and pretend you like it", "dry hump your best friend for no reason", and "talk about threesomes without any intention of taking part in one". If you get the best score, those dopey bastards will be all over you like feces on a Walmart toilet seat.

Color A Dinosaur 2

We all know that playing a video game version of a coloring book is stupid. Why pay $50 just to use the equivalent of Microsoft Paint on your video game console? With the second version of this game, we've solved the "uselessness" problem by adding an important feature. Parents, are your kids too happy? Do those little brats just piss you off with all their pointless optimism and energy? "Color A Dinosaur 2" will make your children bitter and hopeless, just like you, which will make them easier to manage. They'll be forced to race against the clock and color their dinosaur in time. If they don't, they will be assured that God hates them, and will never forgive them. We've rigged the game so there's no possible way to win. Your overactive child won't be bouncing off the walls once he finds out the man who created him despises him for not being able to color a poorly-drawn dinosaur quickly enough.

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Reader Comments

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dailyramblngs.com                      DJ      Sep 26, 2004 • 8:22pm   Best game off all time.....Resident Evil Tony      Sep 26, 2004 • 2:46am   Let me rephrase that. DUCK HUNT ROCKED TONY'S WORLD.      Sep 26, 2004 • 2:45am   DUCK HUNT ROCKED MY WORLD erin      Sep 25, 2004 • 3:48am   Paul- have you ever played the game Black and White...you get to play god. You have to decide wether you want to be a good god or bad god and you have a pet and you can slap it and stuff (not to mention teach it to give the middle finger and if you rub his genitals while petting him he will get pissed at you...oh and you can brand him too with tatoos) and your pet can be a good pet or bad pet...you can be a good god with a bad pet and stuff....you can throw people off the island and burn down villages and sometimes if you arent paying attention to your pet he can eat people...you can train him to do certain things too...its a lot of fun mindwalker      Sep 25, 2004 • 12:29am   Back in my day, there was a simple game where there were two walls and a ball that you bounced back and forth on your TV after you attached an Atari keyboard to it. OK, I'm going to go drink heavily now.      Sep 24, 2004 • 9:19pm   http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=video_games

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