Natalie Portman Will Be My Wife

I recently saw the latest episode of Star Wars in the theatres–which, by the way, was tens of thousands times better than the crappy last one–and read an interview Rolling Stone did with Natalie Portman, who plays Queen Whats-her-face in the film.

Now, I’ve never been a huge fan of the Star Wars series. I’ve always found the films entertaining, but I’ve never been so impressed that I’ve felt the need to wear a hooded robe and wave a Toys “R” Us lightsaber around during the movie’s premiere at the theater. But some people do, and they’ve never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been laid. But I digress.

After seeing Episode 2 and reading the interview with Portman, I noticed that she, being a student at Harvard, is not only attractive, but also quite intelligent as well. Because of this, I have come to a decision: Natalie Portman will be my wife.

Don’t try and change my mind; it’s too late for that. I have already made my decision, and the two of us will be married whenever it is most convenient. I believe I have a week’s vacation coming sometime around five months from now.

I realize that normally the woman has some say in this. “What will she say when you propose?” you ask. Or perhaps, if you’re more pessimistic, you ask, “What will you do when she calls the police and gets a restraining order?” Rubbish!

Why would the woman who was obviously destined to be my wife file a restraining order against me? I’m not lurking outside her house or taking pictures of her at the beach, I’m just forcing her to be my wife for the rest of eternity. It’s really no big deal.

And what Harvard girl wouldn’t want to marry a guy with his own daily online humor column? Especially after that hilarious column I wrote last Tuesday about not sticking things in your ass! I realize celebrities don’t usually mingle, marry or have consentual sex with normal folks, but hey, I’m practically a celebrity myself. This website has almost five visitors a day, you know.

Well, either that, or one person visits the site five times daily. God, how depressing.

No matter what you say, Natalie Portman (who I call “sugar pussy” when we’re alone) and I also have a lot in common. She’s a student at a high university, and I’ve already graduated from UW-Superior, a university filled with people who are always high. She’s an accomplished actress, and I played the part of “Jerry” in Guerilla Theatre’s rendition of the John McNamara play, “Present Tense”.

She’s an incredibly gorgeous woman, and I happen to like incredibly gorgeous women. She’s a vegetarian who loves animals, and I have an uncle who was arrested last year for beastiality. The list goes on and on.

I can’t believe I just looked up the word “beastiality” in the dictionary. Today is a strange day indeed.

So you see, Natalie Portman and I were destined to be together. And so we shall, whether she likes it or not. It’s my life, and I’ll live it how I want, thank you very much.

If something were to happen where I were unable to marry her (if she suddenly gets fat, or gets hit in the face with a brick and turns ugly), I would also be willing to marry Britney Spears. Just so long as she doesn’t ask for a prenuptial agreement.

PSHFP will soon be switching to an ad-free (I know a lot of you have been complaining about the pop-ups, and I completely agree with you) domain-name site. I’ve decided to shell out the bucks in order to make this site 100% professional (which is ironic, considering that everything written on this site is completely unprofessional). The problem is, I need a short, catchy URL that accurately describes this site.

This is where you come in, reader. Click here and tell me what you think the url of this site should be. Unfortunately, "www.ramblings.com" is already taken, as is "www.paulryan.com" and "www.humorcolumn.com". So no submitting those names. But hey, think up something creative and let me know.

The person who submits the winning suggestion (if there even is a suggestion worth using) will get to tell me what to write the next column about. If you want me to write a column about how great you are, how much I suck or how great George W. Bush is (God, please, anything but that one), I’ll do it. Thanks and have a great Monday!