The Daily Ramblings presidential debates

Moderator Paul Ryan: How do you feel about gay marriage?

George W. Bush: I'm President George W. Bush, and I approve this message.

Paul Ryan: You don't need to say that now. That's only required for commercials.

Bush: Oh, okay. Well I'm against gay marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman.

Paul Ryan: Even though vice president Dick Cheney's daughter is gay?

Bush: She's not gay. She's a lesbian.

Paul Ryan: Lesbians are gay.

Bush: Lesbians aren't gay! Listen, America has no problem with lesbians. Everyone likes to see girls kiss. It's just when the dudes kiss that it's wrong. Are you trying to say everyone who watches girl-on-girl action watches "gay porn"?

Paul Ryan: Oookay. Mr. Kerry, what about you? Do you support gay marriage?

John Kerry: I refuse to form an opinion until everyone else does.

Paul Ryan: So you're refusing to take any sort of stand, one way or the other?

Kerry: I like to ignore controversial issues, because they might make me look bad. I'm kind of a coward that way.

Paul Ryan: All right, let's move on to the non-logical issues then. There's two trains coming at each other, 55 miles apart. If "train 1" is going 60 mph and "train 2" is going 40 mph, how many minutes until the trains hit each other?

Bush: Are there terrorists on the trains?

Paul Ryan: No, but Abe Vigoda is on board.

Bush: AMERICA WANTS US TO SAVE THAT TRAIN!

Paul Ryan: Actually, America just wants you to figure out when the two trains will hit.

Bush: Never!

Paul Ryan: The two trains will never hit?

Bush: No, I mean I'll never answer the question. It's too hard.

Paul Ryan: Mr. Kerry, your answer?

Kerry: America isn't able to tell through their television sets, but I smell very nice today. My personal assistant gave me this apple lotion cream to use on my hands, and it smells delicious.

Bush: Can I try some of that? My hands are chapped from fighting for our freedom.

Kerry: Perhaps your rich friends can buy you some with the extra money they got from your slanted tax cuts.

Bush: Fine. It smells like poopies anyway.

Kerry: It does not smell like poopies.

Bush: You smell like poopies.

Kerry: You eat poopies.

Paul Ryan: GENTLEMEN, ENOUGH! On to the next question. Let's pretend monkeys are loose in the White House. What would you do?

Bush: Are the monkeys terrorists?

Paul Ryan: No. They're lemur monkeys from Madagascar.

Bush: Is Mag...Magedascur in the Middle East?

Paul Ryan: No, it's just east of Africa.

Bush: This is hard.

Paul Ryan: Yes, it is. Mr. Kerry, what about you? What are your thoughts on the monkey in the White House problem?

Kerry: I think monkeys in the White House is a problem we've had the past four years.

Paul Ryan: Sigh. Do you have a solution for the actual problem I mentioned?

Kerry: Yes.

Paul Ryan: Would you care to explain what the plan is?

Kerry: No, not especially.

Paul Ryan: Sigh. Never mind. Let's just move on to the next question. Describe your hair in 30 seconds or less. You're up first, Mr. Bush.

Bush: It's pretty.

Paul Ryan: You still have 15 seconds, Mr. Bush.

Bush: It's pretty, and it's strengthened over the past four years, just like our economy.

Paul Ryan: Too bad nobody's seen visible proof of either.

Bush: What?

Paul Ryan: Nothing. Okay Mr. Kerry, you're up. Remember, you have 30 seconds.

Kerry: Where do I start? I style my hair every day with the help of Franco, my hairdresser. Sometimes Franco goes on vacation, so I have to spend a few thousand dollars to fly out to him in my jet. He has very soft hands, which go well with my soft hair. I use Prell, conditioner, and a little bit of hairspray. I don't really like gel or mousse very much because those products make it look too slick or hardened. I like having that soft feel, like you haven't used any spray at all.

Paul Ryan: Sorry Mr. Kerry, but time's up.

Kerry: I tried Pert Plus once, because it has shampoo and conditioner in one, but I really didn't like it. I guess I'm just a stickler for using a certain quality of conditioner. If you mix and match, it may take a while, but eventually you'll get a combination that really works for you. Now, some guys say conditioner is a girly thing, but shampoo and conditioner are both unisex. There is no difference between the hair on men and the hair on women. It's all just hair. So guys can use Prell, Pert Plus, or even Herbal Essences.

Paul Ryan: Mr. Kerry, you've gone over your time limit! Stop!

Kerry: And I've never really been one to fall into that "this is for girls, this is for guys" way of thinking. I get manicures, pedicures, and facials. It's not just something for housewives with too much time and money on their hands, it's something that can help anyone willing to take the time to do it. I think . . .

Paul Ryan: (pulls out air horn) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Kerry: Sorry, you picked a good subject.

Paul Ryan: Remind me never to ask anything about appearance again.

Bush: I'll remind you!

Kerry: You're such a kiss-ass.

Paul Ryan: God! Both of you are freaking idiots! Just shut the hell up, both of you! It's time for the coloring round. You have each been given a page from a Scooby-Doo coloring book. You have five minutes to color it to the best of your ability using the crayons in front of you.

John Kerry:

George W. Bush:

Paul Ryan: Wow, that's, uh . . . interesting. I won't actually be judging them. I'll let the viewers make of them what they will. It's time for our last question. This question is difficult, and may be the difference between you winning or losing the election, so take as much time as you need. Are you both ready?

Bush: Yes.

Kerry: Yes.

Paul Ryan: How do you feel about . . . horsey rides?

Bush: Like this! (Bush mimics doggie style sex motion, complete with ass-slapping)

Kerry: Ahahahahaha! That's awesome!! Hahahahahaha!

Bush: Hahahahahaha! Wheeeeee!

Kerry: Wheeeee!!!

Paul Ryan: Oh, for Christ's sake! You know what? Forget it! Just forget it.

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Reader Comments

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Dennis Kempton      Oct 2, 2004 • 4:23am   You should check read Paul Begala's blog on the debate on CNN.com Tony      Oct 1, 2004 • 9:16pm   Yeah, the "wrong war wrong time" thing was really starting to get annoying. Equally annoying were references to Vietnam. I agree with Paul that Kerry was the winner, but I don't think it was a real strong win for him. If I was giving them both grades, I'd say a B+ for Bush and an A- for Kerry. Jojo      Oct 1, 2004 • 4:02pm   "Mixed messages, what kind of a signal does that send to our troops and our allies." In other words, lie your ass off to make them feel better for the shit-hole they are in but didnt have to be. I also thought kerry came off very well, he was stronger than usual and was on the offense once in awhile, rather than defended what the other guy said. George studdered sooo much, we were drinking and I proposed we take a shot every time he paused or studdered, my friends said no cuz they didnt want alcohol poisoning. Aaron J. Brown      Oct 1, 2004 • 2:31pm   Hey, now, Kate. Debating is hard work. Really hard work. You'd think it's easy, but it's hard work. Hard. Work. Work. Worky-work. Has this phrase soaked into your subconscious yet? What phrase? "It's hard work." Katers      Oct 1, 2004 • 1:00pm   I was telling a friend via IM during the debate that if Bush said, "We looked at the same intelligence" one more time, I was going to run screaming through the streets of Evanston. It was like Bush was on auto-pilot. Scapegoat      Oct 1, 2004 • 12:21pm   I also think that Kerry did an excellent job. Bush looked foolish, repeating his "Wrong War, Wrong Time, Wrong Place" mantra about Kerry a good dozen times. It's painful to watch The Resident speak, with his long pauses and southern slur. Paul Ryan      Oct 1, 2004 • 6:23am   Uh, what? Dennis Kempton      Oct 1, 2004 • 6:13am   um...don't you mean there are more debates coming up, not there's more debates coming up? hahah.

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