|
Scientists studying local loser Paul Ryan LA CROSSE, WI - Scientists studying hermits say one of the nation's biggest recluses, Paul Ryan, actually left his apartment Sunday. Outside of work, this is the first time in two months Ryan has left his cave-like apartment dwelling. "He doesn't leave often, especially since he got cable television a few months ago," said scientist Ken Felcher. "In the past year, the only times he's ventured outside is to drink alcohol in dimly-lit bars and occasionally have sex with women who don't know any better. The fact that he actually left for something other than booze and whores is a breakthrough in our studies." Ryan left his apartment at 3:15 pm yesterday to purchase a jar of salsa. It is unknown whether the salsa was "mild", "medium", "hot", or "fire". Scientists say if the jar was the "hot" variety, it may show that the concealed lives of hermits are more exciting than expected. Most hermits become reclusive because they're perverted, mentally retarded, or both. Very few of them actually hate the outside world enough to avoid it completely. Little is known about hermits like Ryan, who not only hate the people of their town, but also the atmosphere, architecture, and general unity. Such "non retard porn" hermits are extremely rare. "Mr. Ryan is what we call a 'legal hermit'", said Felcher. "Some hermits keep to themselves because they're into pedophilia, bestiality with pets, or collecting their own urine in jars. But Mr. Ryan has no pets, does not own any jars, and his Internet records from Charter Communications show no illegal content. Though he did once download three full albums by Dexy's Midnight Runners. I mean, I can understand downloading the song "Come On Eileen", but why the rest of their albums? It's a little creepy." "And why not Lipps, Inc.?" added Felcher, now clearly agitated. "If you like 'Come On Eileen', you've gotta love 'Funkytown'. You just gotta!" The hermits study is part of a nationwide effort to better comprehend the little-known and often misunderstood lives of hermits. While no one in America has shown any interest in hermits or requested that more information about them be made available, scientists say the relevance of their studies doesn't matter. "We could have cured cancer years ago if we didn't waste so much time studying hermits, fish farts, lesbian cows, and the process of creating fake urine," said Felcher. "But hey, curing cancer is hard, and lesbian cows are hilarious!" A 2003 study found that Americans agree. An astounding 74% surveyed said lesbian cows are funnier than a cure for cancer. An equally amazing 62% said they'd rather read hilarious newspaper articles about fish communicating through flatulence than see a cure for cancer. "Hmmm . . . fake urine or a cure for cancer," pondered Tom Dolson of Birmingham, AL. "Fake urine would be fun to throw on my friends as a joke." Luckily, any money spent on a cure for cancer wouldn't be used properly anyway. As Felcher says, overpaid people like himself wouldn't stay rich if a cure was found.
"Cancer, AIDS, diabetes," said Felcher. "The unfortunate bastards with those diseases are making me rich as hell! Every time another fat kid gets diabetes, I get donations from his family to pay my salary, the doctors get the fat kid to come in twice a year for a few hundred dollars a pop, and the pharmaceutical companies get a few extra thousand dollars a year from the fat kid's parents for medical supplies. Congratulations fat kid! Your money's paying for my lunch while I watch Paul Ryan buy jars of salsa! Ahahahahahaha!"
Warning: date() expects parameter 2 to be long, string given in /home/fuddes/public_html/ramblings/comments/includes/commenter/~genBody.php on line 11
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
