Pretty people should die

I have a friend who seems concerned about pretty people. And really, who isn't concerned about pretty people? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder how Anna Kournikova is doing . . . and think about how the restraining order expires in four months.

But my friend isn't concerned about those pretty people. She's worried about the intelligent pretty people. To tell you the truth, I didn't know there were intelligent pretty people, and now that I do, I hate them immensely. I want to spit in their hair and throw them down flights of stairs until they look like Joan Rivers.

Anyway, my friend is attending a highly-touted journalism school and doing extremely well, but she's worried about competing with all the intelligent pretty people there. Well, I say fook pretty people. Fook them right in the eye while they're napping.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE PRETTY AND YOU FALL ASLEEP?!? SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!? AAAAAAAAHH!! AAAAAAAAHH!!

Journalism is full of pretty people trying to be news anchors, but usually it's fun because the majority of them are dumber than Vanilla Ice's haircut. No, sadly, not his old haircut. His new haircut.

Unfortunately, when you're in one of the top journalism schools in the country, the pretty people are actually intelligent. As crazy as it sounds, they're pretty and smart. What the hell's up with that? PICK ONE, YOU BASTARDS! PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT, OR I'LL SPORK YOU IN YOUR FACE HOLES! Seriously, these people are like superheroes, except instead of having laser vision, the ability to fly, or a third nipple that lactates pudding, they're better than you in ways that you actually envy.

And that's why they must die.

Everyone knows about Darwin's "theory of evolution", but few people know that good fortune always backfires on people who are too advanced. It's Darwin's other, less popular "theory of vicious, bitter revenge". You see, when people evolve to the point of being perfect in both looks and intelligence, us ugly folk get bitter and beat them to death with our shoes. The fact that our shoes are cheap knockoffs of their more expensive designer shoes makes the fatal beating that much more disrespectful.

So beat them, friend. Beat those haughty bitches like a hick beating his children on the public bus with his cardboard belt. Beat those biggety snobs harder than Michael Jackson beats his meat during reruns of "Double Dare" on Nickelodeon. Beat those overweening know-it-alls worse than Michael Phelps would beat Stephen Hawking in a 200-meter swimming relay (Click for example).

To hell with non-stupid pretty people. To hell with non-ugly smart people. To hell with non-stupid and non-ugly people. They're all going to burn in hell, because while we all know Jesus was a looker, God looks like Bryant Gumbel, and he's not gonna stand for that "pretty boy" crap in heaven.

The Briggs "Paycheck" It's been a while since we've had something hardcore on here. Enough of this soft stuff, let's get to some rockin' tunes. The Briggs are opening for Flogging Molly, and I had a chance to be wowed by them. They're like the most hardcore punk band you've ever heard, but with actual good guitar riffs. The song I'm featuring here is one of their old classics, but you can download an mp3 from their new album here. Similar to:  Rancid, NOFX Instructions Music archives

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Reader Comments

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www.theswassreport.blogspot.com        www.beautifulsmartpeople.com        Monika      Aug 2, 2005 • 5:07am   I like this, it's pretty damn funny- good stuff, really. Paul Ryan      Oct 22, 2004 • 10:49pm   You're not beautiful or smart. If you were, you'd have better things to do than read columns on a website. BeAsChAy      Oct 22, 2004 • 10:38pm   Hey, guess what,BITCH? We're all pretty, smart, and SEXY! So, ha! Jessica      Oct 15, 2004 • 4:52am   hi and well the olsen twins go to ure school wow I would expect them 2b on the road or somewere else than there like they can do college on thier computer wierd...................but thats thier life not mine. martin      Oct 14, 2004 • 7:41pm   erin the olsen twins are kinda ugly.....now that their 18.

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