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Colt 45 drain cleaner. Billy Dee would be proud Paul Ryan
No, seriously. This weekend I was in a comical mood, so some friends and I went to buy "40s" of malt liquor at the gas station. Being a big fan of Billy Dee Williams, and knowing he could probably use the royalty checks, I chose Colt 45 Double Malt. As Billy Dee says, double malt means double the drunky, which means "double the funky for yo lady". We had already had quite a bit to drink already, so most of us didn't finish our bottles. In the morning, I had half of mine left. Since warm malt liquor that only the likes of Billy Dee Williams will sponsor isn't the sort of thing that ages well, I poured it down the sink. My sink is constantly clogged. Every month I spend outrageous amounts of money on drain cleaners, and every month it takes me about a week before I've clogged the drain again. I have to clean dishes in short bursts, to make sure the water doesn't overflow before it can drain. So naturally, I had to pour the beer down the drain slowly. As I did, bubbles popped up in the pool of beer and there was a gurgling noise. Not a normal draining noise, but the noise a liquid makes when it's causing something in the sink to change or disintegrate. Sure enough, when I poured more beer down the drain, it emptied faster. My drain hasn't become completely clear, but the Colt 45 Double Malt worked about as good as the cheapest, weakest version of drain cleaner. And best of all, it only cost half as much. Immediately, two thoughts came to mind. Number one, this is an amazing discovery that can save me a lot of money. Number two, if half a bottle of Colt 45 Double Malt can eat away the solidified muck in my drain, what sort of damage did it do to my internal organs when I drank the other half the night before? As I studied my drain cleaners and Colt 45 Double Malt more closely, I realized some major similarities. Both smell terrible. Drano is worse than the beer, but the double malt is enough to make you wince as well. I would imagine both of them taste terrible as well, though I didn't try the Drano. However, there was one major difference. The makers of Drano put a helpful warning on the bottle, informing people not to drink it. The makers of Colt 45 Double Malt did not put an obviously needed warning on their bottle to keep people from drinking it. I mean, really, what's the point of having a double malt version of Colt 45? It's just regular 5.61% beer with about a million calories added to it. However, it's nice to know those calories are useful for unclogging drains and possibly even removing the lime from showerheads. I'm not sure about that one, though. Haven't tried it yet. But hey, don't take it from me. Read these real testimonials, given by a variety of malt liquor connoisseurs:
"i pounded 4 40s and ate some billy boys had some fried cauliflours and mgds and beefs kinda wrecked and thirsty as 5 motherfuckers CALL ME MR BIG SWIGS shit be fuckin up shit for the 2k2."
"I really do think that this is Colts middle-finger malt, it tells all of the competition that they are in the game for real and they say "Double Malt Like Whut!!!". I give this badass a mad 9 out of 10 swills, cuz this bitch is off teh hook."
"The next morning my ass was literally vibrating, and I had internal farts (you know the ones were your lower intestine bubbles but nothing actually comes out). Because of this I would have to say I didn't like it, and will never drink it again."
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A bottle of Drano costs anywhere from $2.99-$4.49. A bottle of Liquid Plumber costs $2.99-$7.99. A "40" of Colt 45 Double Malt costs $2.19. Half a bottle of Billy Dee Williams' finest malt liquor will clear the muck out of your kitchen sink almost as well as Drano and Liquid Plumber.
