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Taste Test: Vanilla Coke! ...................Paul Ryan
Fu** you, you little p**sy. Where’s this goddamn sh*t drink?
Oh, come now, Dr. Goodspeed, Vanilla Coke is getting some very good reviews. “Amazing Tales” magazine has named Vanilla Coke the “official beverage of man-boy love”. What do you think of that, doctor?
Well, then. Let’s just start the taste test, shall we? Here we go!
Well . . . that certainly tastes . . . like someone shat in my mouth. What do you think, Dr. Goodspeed?
Yes, yes. I think “Amazing Tales” magazine owes us an apology, don’t they? I would never drink this. It tastes like rabbit turds boiled in “Mr. Clean”. My stomach . . . like a backfiring septic tank . . . oh, dear God . . . It tastes so retchid, yet so cream soda-ish . . . like a fat Irish woman drinking Bailey’s urinated in my open mouth.
God, this soda is awful! It tastes like an ass had a dirty, dirty party in my mouth without permission . . .
We’ll certainly be writing a nasty little letter to “Amazing Tales” magazine, won’t we Dr. Goodspeed!?! Ah, no. I don’t read that piddly sh*t. I have f**ing class, you sloppy teenage whore of a columnist. Um . . . yeah. Didn’t you just sh*t out the window a few seconds ago? I should have sh*t in your dirty little sissy magazine. That would have f***ed you right, wouldn’t it? Now, Dr. Goodspeed, there’s no reason for that. We’re two civilized human beings here. Not like Dan Stock of Superior, Wis., who smells like dingleberries that hang from my a circus midget’s bumhole. God, you’re such a little pillow biter. Why are you even talking? I thought you were sick from the Vanilla Coke.
Sick? From the Vanilla Coke? Hell, I just wanted to wipe my ass on your carpet.
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Hello, and welcome to the daily Ramblings taste test. Today we will be testing the new soft drink, Vanilla Coke. Here to help us with our test is Dr. Steven Goodspeed, who, as most of you already know, has an honorary doctorate from Normandale Community College.
