A few presents, just for you

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the Daily Ramblings Express members service will no longer be offered on this website. The good news is since I'm discontinuing it, some of its features will now be free for everyone. And unlike the free t-shirts you get after signing up for a Visa card, these freebies won't come with large amounts of debt you'll never be able to pay off.

Consider this an early Halloween treat. Open your candy bags, folks. Here's a rundown of the free stuff:

The Crapalog: It's back, it's better than ever, and it's free. The crappiest blog on Dailyramblings.com will soon become the crappiest blog on the Internet, because it's now open to the public. The entries are crappier, the icons are crappier, and the comment spam started literally five seconds after I removed the blog's password protection. So check it out, and enjoy!

Columns by e-mail: Sign up for our spam-free e-mail service, located in the sidebar to the left, and receive each Ramblings column by e-mail. If your workplace has a profanity/inappropriate content/bestiality filter that keeps you from viewing this website at work, this feature will allow you to read each column by e-mail. All columns are sent in HTML format, meaning they will look the exact same in your e-mail as they do on this website.

Color schemes: In the sidebar to the left, there's a little yellow link that says, "settings". When you clicked it in the past, you'd get a page asking you for a DR Express username and password. This would make you curse loudly, throw things, and be extra irritable with your family for the rest of the day. Now that color schemes are free for everyone, you'll get to choose from 12 different templates for these columns.

Free poop: E-mail me your mailing address and a nasty message about what a loser I am, and I'll poop in an envelope and send it to you. This feature was by far the favorite of members. To take advantage of this feature, send the nasty e-mail to aaronjbrown@yahoo.com.

Free STD with unprotected sex: Few people knew this, but for the six months DR Express was in operation, it was physically impossible for anyone to get a sexually transmitted disease. Did you get an STD in the past six months, reader? See? It's true! What's that, reader? You got crabs two months ago? Well reader, that came from the time you had sex with the dead reindeer you found by the side of the highway. DR Express only had control over human sexual interaction. Our apologies. Happy shaving!

Free flatulence with purchase of Hormel Chili: Call me a wizard, witch, or good samaritan, but no matter how you look at it, this is the best feature of them all. From now on, all readers of this column will be granted a boatload of unfettered, raw, stinky flatulence. So build yourself a campfire, set that can of Hormel Chili atop the flames, and send your friends the greeting that can only be given through your buttocks. All I ask in return is that you say the following phrase directly before breaking wind: "Quiet please, everybody freeze, I feel the breeze between my knees. Duh Dah Duh Dah Dah Dah!"

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www.theswassreport.blogspot.com        dailyramblings.com                                                  Johnny No Thumbs      Oct 25, 2004 • 8:43pm   Shameless Self-Promotion!

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