Politics are boring. Murdering hookers is a much better hobby

I'm sorry, reader. I know you were expecting a big column today about politics, since the election is only six days away, but I'm too busy beating the living hell out of hookers to write columns. Believe it or not, murdering hookers and stealing the blood-soaked money from their cold, dead hands is much more time-consuming than one might think.

Like smoking cigarettes, shooting heroin, or watching old episodes of "Saved by the Bell", killing hookers is very addictive. All these activities feel strange and unnatural at first, but once you get into them, you stop caring about what everyone else thinks. Much like how your sister refuses to be embarrassed for watching the same "Jessie Spanno gets addicted to caffeine pills" episode over and over again, I am now completely unapologetic when my friends walk in on me as I'm about to fire a bullet into a hooker's mouth.

"Oh, hey Bill. Nice to see ya."

(Sounds of muffled hooker screams)

"Come on in, Bill. If you want some Funyuns, help yourself from the big bag over there."

(Gunshot, sounds of splattering blood)

"And while you're at it, can you look in the kitchen cabinet and see if I have any napkins left?"

"What's that, Bill? No, of course I haven't seen the election polls today. Can't you see I have a dead hooker here? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find where she hid my money so I can get another hooker and murder her as well. Sheesh, the polls! Who cares about the polls!?!"

Some friends become angered with me and leave. They can't handle my newfound hobby. They say killing hookers is wrong, yet they've never actually used the services of a hooker before, so really, aren't they killing the hooker with their lack of support? You can't have it both ways, folks. Myself, I'm at the opposite end of the scale. Not only do I think what hookers do for a living is great, I also think beating them to death with a wooden bat is great. So I'm going to continue beating them with blunt items until they die, and then I'm going to beat them some more, and then I'm going to shoot them in the abdomen in case they have unborn kin that might later seek revenge, and then I'm going to die in a violent shootout with the police. If my friends are unable to support this, then they weren't very good friends in the first place.

Tell me, is what I'm doing so wrong, reader? Is there really any reason I should switch back to politics? I'm sick of sacrificing my needs for political candidates. If they want me to get involved with politics again, tell them to talk about issues that concern my hooker murdering hobby. For instance, where does George W. Bush stand on the murdering of hookers? What about John Kerry? Do they support only crippling hookers with a baseball bat and leaving them to die on the street, or will they also support my use of a rocket launcher on them at short range?

Let's face it: the candidates haven't discussed these issues at all. They've hidden from them, just like they've hidden from the issue of whether it's okay to spit on the elderly, or the issue of whether girls who wear that lame Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie style skirt should be thrown in a wood chipper. Why should I pay attention to the candidates when they won't pay attention to the passions in my life?

What's that, reader? What do you mean I couldn't kill a hooker? I just did! Yes, I did! Look at my television screen! Yes, of course I was talking about killing hookers on the video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", which came out in stores today. What did you think I meant?

Joss Stone "Spoiled" This week's singer, Joss Stone, was suggested by Jojo. She's got a deep soul voice that goes lower than Aretha Franklin or Erykah Badu, but with the softer, slower style of Alicia Keys. Stone's first album made her a star in the hipster world, and this new one might push her even further into the mainstream. To put it plainly, if you haven't heard Joss Stone, you should probably get your ears checked, because she's been everywhere lately. Similar to:  Alicia Keys Instructions Music archives

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Reader Comments

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true that      Oct 7, 2006 • 2:55am   nothings wrong with killing hookers they're gonna die eventually anyways and they're just putting their life out there. So fuck it that's what they want so i say kill those biotchs and beat the shit out of them they deserve it! If i had the nerve i would kill one too, one or two haha Zam      Oct 28, 2004 • 8:14pm   OOOoooo, spooky! They just did the Grand Theft Auto Game Show on Mad TV today....and they killed hookers..... Katers      Oct 27, 2004 • 11:44am   " . . . and then I'm going to shoot them in the abdomen in case they have unborn kin that might later seek revenge . . ."

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