Becky Bryant And Kate Houlihan Rule

Well, I said that if people submitted a winning URL for my new, ad-free PSHFP, that I’d let them tell me what to write my next column about. Becky Bryant and Kate Houlihan–both of Superior, Wis.–teamed up to create the winning URL: www.dailyramblings.com. The address won’t be up and running until at least Saturday, and even then, I probably won’t have everything uploaded until Monday.

But before I move on to today’s column, let me be serious for a moment.

Bear with me for the next week or so. After paying a total of $149.40 ($30 to reserve the domain name for a year and $119.40 for a year’s worth of the best web-hosting I can afford, so the site stays fast and ad-free) upfront today, I’m finding myself exhausted more than excited.

In the next five days or so, I will have to transfer five years worth of PSHFP, or roughly 148 html pages and over 500 photos. I’m going to be dead tired. So on Monday, when the official site does finally get going, at least give a quick thanks.

I will also accept donations of 3.2 million dollars or copies of the Milton Bradley board game “Shoots and Ladders”. God, that game rules.

But hey, on to the humor column:

Becky and Kate are the self-proclaimed “queens of Superior, Wis.”. I’m not kidding. This is what they told me to write.

Let’s analyze their decision: first of all, why would anyone want to be “queen of Superior”? Superior is a town where drunken whores run amuck, spreading herpes to all the land. And not the “fun” type of herpes you get from riding a gay horse.

Becky and Kate also said that they reign at (a bar called) “Champs” and banish the evil-doers to (a club called) “Stargate”. Well, let’s take a look at that.

They reign at “Champs”. That’s real hard. A bar full of fat, middle-aged locals who hate their wives and sleep with their mothers instead. That, and the lady who owns the place is a fat bitch. But I digress.

They also want to banish the evil-doers to “Stargate”? Isn’t that where all the evil people are anyway? Anyone who goes to “Stargate” can get laid there. Even columnist George Will. So essentially, you’re just helping them get laid when you banish them there.

Granted, they’ll get herpes. But it’s not the “bad” kind of herpes you get from falling in a septic tank, it’s the “fun” kind you get when someone riding the Tilt-o-Whirl pees, and it hits you.

Jeez. Ever have that feeling that you’re getting carpel tunnel? Well, I do. My wrists hurt (insert immature masturbation joke here). And not the “fun” kind of hurting that you get from watching a Britney Spears workout video on a loop for six hours, the “bad” kind you get from eating an entire box of moon pies when you know you can’t get out of your snowsuit for at least six o’ clock, when your mom gets home.

So anyway, Becky and Kate didn’t give me much more information. They just wanted people to know that they rule. And that if they dislike you, you’ll somehow magically get laid.

Isn’t that true, though? All the people that everyone hates get laid. I think Becky and Kate are purposely trying to teach us a valuable lesson here. The good kind of valuable lesson, too, like when you steal something and the cop falls over and lands on his keys. Unlike the bad lesson learning, where you get an “A” in school, and your dad forces you to get a vasectomy. Always hated that rule.

But perhaps I’ve said too much. Either way, Becky and Kate do rule. End of story.