Meet the Daily Ramblings staff!

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I have to give thanks to all the employees of Daily Ramblings. You didn't think I did this whole website on my own, did you? I have a very talented team made up - only partly made of ex-cons - that has helped me from the beginning, and today I'd like you to meet them, reader.

Carl Rubens - Accountant
Carl and his mustache are ready to crunch numbers! Carl not only manages the costs for website hosting, domain name reservation, and bandwidth overage, but he also handles my personal finances. This includes my beer fund, reserve beer fund, pornography fund, and reserve reserve beer fund.
Also, I should note that Carl is wanted by the FBI for bank fraud and embezzlement.

Dick Jersey - Marketing
I have nothing against Dick, but Dick just isn't my thing. If I had a choice between Dick and the opposite of Dick, I'd definitely choose the opposite. I know there's many guys out there who like Dick, and that's totally cool, but I just don't find Dick to be very satisfying. I mean, he's not very good at marketing. This website hasn't had new visitors since Arafat last farted without bleeding, and that hasn't happened since the early-90s.

Boo Boo - Attorney
Laugh if you want, but Boo Boo has never lost a case. He's too cute. The jury takes one look at him and I'm instantly thought of as innocent. Of course, in a few years Boo Boo will become an ill-tempered adult monkey who walks around biting people and throwing poo, but I can just have him put to sleep when that happens. Cute animals, much like cute people, are always expendable.

Ping Samsung - Tech Support
Ping may have the same last name as an electronics company, but there's no possible way he can solve any problems you have with this website. I know this because he doesn't speak English, and that's why I hired him. So when you write me and get an e-mail back that says, "Doggie pet circumference vagina Tuesday!", it's probably Ping. Or else me during a wicked bender.

Richard Peters - Customer Service
If you want customer service over the phone instead of e-mail, Richard handles that. He's very kind and polite. Sure, we've had a few "incidents", but accidents involving death by sodomy happen from time to time.
Also, I should note that June is wanted by the FBI for murder. But he passed the urine test.

Ali Saed Bin Ali El-Hoorie - Website Security
Don't spam me, otherwise the man with four last names will smite thee.
Also, I should note that Ali is wanted by the FBI for blowing up a building in Saudi Arabia. Nice guy, though.

Michael Dinkins - Distribution Manager
When the Internet or my hosting service goes down, Michael is the man who flies across delivering the column to you by paper. He's hard-working, intelligent, and loyal, but I just hired him because I dig his aviation hat.

This is my team, reader. My honest, morally superior team. Fraud is rampant, and if embezzlement were a fall color, it would be the new black. As long as the website keeps going swimmingly, I don't pay attention. However, if Dune or El-Hoorie try to murder you, please accept me deepest apologies. They're still in transition from their previous jobs.

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Reader Comments

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mom      Nov 13, 2004 • 12:35am   I only like Boo Boo. The rest of them look smarmy. Jojo      Nov 12, 2004 • 6:49pm   Doggie pet circumference vagina Tuesday! Scapegoat      Nov 12, 2004 • 1:36pm   "This website hasn't had new visitors since Arafat last farted without bleeding, and that hasn't happened since the early-90s."

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