Letters column 36: sweater vests, celebrities, and liars

There are certain rules one should follow when sending a nasty e-mail. The first is don't do it from your work e-mail address. The second is don't include your real name, especially if your workplace is a realtor office, and the website has a photo of you on it.

Everyone, meet Jim! Jim works as a realtor in Oxford, Mississippi. While his hilarious '80s hair and grandmotherly sweater vest may make him seem docile, that doesn't mean he won't threaten to beat you up over the internet. Especially if you write satire about Eli Manning.

paul, if you are ever in the south,bring your candy ass to oxford. by the way did you play football.

Why is it every time someone wants to beat me up, they want me to travel all the way to their city? Well Jim, normally I would spend hundreds of dollars to fly to Mississippi and fight a grown man over an inconsequential football player, but after a brief web search, it's been determined that Oxford sucks a big fat ass.

By the way, I love the sweater vest, Jim. Let me guess: your wife bought it for your son, but he wouldn't wear it because it makes him look like a pussy. Am I right? I'll bet I am!

On to the pseudo-celebrities! After posting a column praising humorous lounge singer Richard Cheese, I received this e-mail from the man himself:

thanks for the great review and comments.
stay swanky,
RC

I think "stay swanky) was my favorite part of the e-mail, because it assumes I was once, or always have been, swanky. Stuff like that just makes your day, reader. If Mr. T sends me an e-mail in the next few weeks, this will be the greatest month ever.

Now on to the liar. I think the only reason Daily Ramblings is still listed by the search engines is because of my Clay Aiken column, which gets nasty comments at least once a week. Most of the hundreds of e-mails I've received about it have been from angry 13-year-olds with sentence composition issues, but now I'm also getting questionable claims from people who say they know Aiken. One particular man, who has chosen to go by the name "Anonasaurus", says Aiken has sexually harassed him multiple times. Anonasaurus is probably a liar, but let's view his e-mail anyway.

If it makes you feel better, Clay is Gay as Hell. I know this because he was after me for months. I was asked to go on tour with him so I put my own album on tour. When he would not stop making moves on me one night at my place, (before we went to sleep and during the night WHILE I was sleeping, I got up and walked him to my front door and threw him out. I was bumped from the tour. He's not only Gay, he's truly an asshole. And P.S. his personal assistant sued 19 entertainment this year for sexual harassment because Clay did the same thing with him. (Clay told me this himself). P.P.S. Clay IM's me and calls me about once a week telling me how hot I am and that he is horny and wants me to come over. I am straight man. He knows this. He is sick. Please keep making fun of him. It's cracking me up.

I find it a little hard to believe that the press wouldn't pick up on a sexual harassment lawsuit from his male personal assistant. It also seems odd that singers on tour together would also sleep at each other's houses for no apparent reason. But don't worry, anonasaurus, I'll keep making fun of Aiken anyway.

Hey, this column is pretty short. Let's go to a bonus letter. I've received many unusual e-mails over the years, but this one from Ruchi in New Dehli, India marks the first time anyone's actually applied for a job here at Daily Ramblings.

Sir, I am interested in joining your organization through the article of mine but don't know the process to submit. I am a free lancer and have worked in various print media. Just wanted to know on which subject do you allow me to write on and how can I submit it.

Sorry Ruchi, but we don't outsource our comedy. This is probably because we don't actually pay our employees. Which is probably because when I say "we" and "employees", I am referring to myself only. However, if I were able to hire a "free lancer", you would be first on my list, Ruchi. Your hit-and-miss comprehension of the English language provides exactly the kind of hilarity we're looking for. I'm looking for. Oh, forget it.

Keep those letter rolling in, everyone. Oh, and if you want to purchase a house in the future, please consider buying one from an angry southern middle-aged man who has undying love for Eli Manning. Perhaps his wife will buy you a sweater.

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Reader Comments

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Mike      Nov 15, 2004 • 10:24pm   Eighties hair? Shit looks more like a bad rug! zam      Nov 15, 2004 • 5:38pm   Have we told you lately that we love you, Paul? No? Katers      Nov 15, 2004 • 4:52pm   Oh, yes, and the Clay Aiken comments continue to amuse me. Stupid pre-teens. Katers      Nov 15, 2004 • 4:51pm   Paul! You have an outsourcing offer? I can't believe you wouldn't take it. For pennies a day, all your humor work could be done for you by someone who has no concept of minimum wage. Work with what you have man! ;) Scapegoat      Nov 15, 2004 • 1:28pm   Eli Manning licks Clay Aiken's sweaty sac!

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